Can't say I wasn't warned

I was talking to a couple of friends tonight about - what else - our thoughts about and experiences in church, and one of them mentioned something someone said around 10 years ago. The other person and myself instantly remembered the same thing because it had stuck with us all these years. When I got home, I asked Rob about it and he remembered it, too.

What was said? A visiting speaker told the congregation that we shouldn't all expect to have relationships with the pastor, or shouldn't all expect to be his friend. The reactions of all four of us were similar - we felt we had been told we should leave the pastor alone, and pretty much all of us did.

In light of the fact that so many years had past, I found it interesting that all of us were fairly clear on this having been said, and that we vividly knew our inward reactions to this. I tried to understand it. Of course he couldn't be friends with everyone - that was impossible. The speaker was trying to protect the pastor from being overwhelmed with everyone wanting a piece of him.

But tonight, realizing how much that statement stuck to us all, I realized a more subtle message was given, and perhaps it was the message that was really meant to be heard without being said: The pastor was essentially being placed out of our reach. Not everyone would be worthy.

healthy living update

It's been difficult, but I've been getting up extra extra early so that I can still exercise in the morning and make it to work on time. To do a full half hour, I need to be up by 6:00. Not easy. I had a break through a few weeks back when I discovered that I can go a very slow jog for 30 minutes straight, no walking necessary. Mind you, I am generlly choosing not to jog right now because when it is too cold it hurts my chest and I don't want to slip on the ice.

I do Pilates 2X a week. The other weekdays I try to do something aerobic, which right now is going into the basement and doing aerobic type movements and stairs to BOB FM. And then I do laps when the girls are in swimming lessons. I'm also making a point of taking a brisk walk at lunch, which is actually much more eye-opening than coffee (which is Folger's at work and thus tastes totally icky).

Is all this effort paying off? Well, the scale is showing smaller numbers since I started this routine in June, but not by much. But I feel good. I feel very good.

Food is still a pretty big issue for me. Being at work will help, I think, because I don't have access to a full kitchen of tasty food. Rob is going to quite tempting me with so many yummy treats, right, dear? But I've still made relatively little progress in being in control of my eating.

I understand junkies a lot more, now.

"Take some soup, you freak."

This is what my husband just said to me, as I sit here typing.

Pity me.

The new job

Today was a bit of a break-through at work. I went from totally overwhelmed to understanding the basics of what it is we are supposed to be doing. My supervisor had suggested I sit in on the classes we do for the first couple of days. Midway through the morning I realized that I had a lot of questions and things I wanted to know and none of them were being answered sitting there and watching our clients interact in class.

Funny thing, though - I didn't want to go. My supervisor was the one who had directed me there and I didn't want to seem like I wasn't following direction. That's my rule-focus kicking in again. Then I re-thought. My supervisor wants me to learn. She hired me because she believes I can think and act independently and make smart decisions. Do I really think she would want me to sit here when I feel like I'm wasting my time, or would she want me to take initiative and do what I know I need to do to get the knowledge I need about the program.

So I left. I went to the program's secretary and asked her to walk me through, start to finish, the activities that each client goes through and the behind the scenes work - forms, meetings - that accompany the steps. After that, I knew I had the skeleton to work with, and I instantly knew where to begin actually working.

This position is completely new in the program, which is both challenging and hopeful. Challenging because no one can tell me what it is I'm supposed to do - we're still working out the balance of who does what. My supervisor used to just run this program, then she started running 2 programs. Eventually the organization realized that was too much. So she now has .25 time to devote to our program, I take up the rest of the supervision duties and also spend time in direct client work. Everybody - my supervisor and the people I will be supervising - are to be helping to orient me, but the phrase I constantly here is, "I'm not sure if you'll be doing that."

So therein is the hope - how many chances does one get to create a role like this, to design my job the way I think it should be lived out (not in totality, there are parameters, but I'm starting to see I'll have significant influence)? It's pretty cool.

Another significant realization - I've been spending significant mental energy trying to figure out what to do in order not to upset or offend anybody. I have to give that up and just do what seems best and deal with whatever crap comes along.

Toys

Today I asked Rob, "Why is it that all toys for girls seem to be designed to get them to think of themselves as shoppers?...And why am I asking that question?" Girls toys seem demeaning - dress like a slut and go to the mall lots. Yes, that is something to strive for. Or princesses - I hate the princess concept. What is a princess except someone who is born into money or marries it and works hard at looking pretty and attending functions?

I suppose most people don't think that these images and ideas will determine how a girls turns out, and they are right. Pop culture won't control a child, but you're sticking your head in the sand if you think there will be no influence. Companies don't spend billions of dollars on advertising including hiring top psychologists so that they won't have influence.

I was thinking about this after I noticed myself avoiding all licensed products for my girls but pouncing on the last pair of Lightning McQueen slippers for Conor. Some boys' products are at least associated with stories of action, of achievement, and sometimes even nobility. Besides, I can't wait to hear what he says about walking around with a pair of cars on his feet.

Feels like community

Today I took my last school walks for awhile. While working at home I've done the majority of the walking to and from nursery school and school. It's such a nice break to the day and I like the connections with the girls that happen on the way.

But my new work hours will make such things impractical and I realized today that I am sad about that. It's not so much the connecting with my kids, because I know I will do that. It's those other connections that I've made, especially at Taryn's school, small though they are, yet meaningful. Like J, the 70something foster mom of 2 FASD boys at school, plus a toddler outside. I struggle with the energy for parenting at age 38, but she is so full of life and love. Other Moms and I chat regularly waiting for our kids outside the class or watching them on the playground. And Taryn has had great teachers the last 2 years whom I can talk with about they things I'm learning about child development and they can teach me what that looks like from the practitioner's side. And the kids - even today, little K, a sweet little boy who totally lacks any impulse control, called, "Taryn's Mom! So and so is hitting me!" because he knows by now that I care about all the kids out there. Some of the other little girls in grade 2 like to come and get hugs.

I've said for years I've wanted to move to Transcona, but my little secret is that I think a part of me is in love with West K.

Food, anyone?

Ashlin's nursery school is selling some food stuff as a fundraiser - cookie dough, pizzas, pizza crustsd, etc. If anyone's interested in ordering I'll put it through and make sure it gets to you. You can see all the items at Gourmet Kitchen Fundraising.

How do you spell relief?

I spell it R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.

I had a great talk with someone who shared some of their experiences at church that had similar aspects to mine. I have stopped asking if I am projecting some of my own issues on the institution. I now know what have been my issues and how I need to deal with them. To the rest, I can safely say It is not my doo-doo.

What has bothered me for a long time is the incongruity between what certain people have said and what they have done. There are even great, long explanations as to how what they say is totally in line with what they have done, even though to me, those explanations did not make sense. I can see now that reality is in the actions, not the words. That gives me the freedom to say that certain people have not cared much about me and have not valued my contributions or potential contributions very much. I'm sure to this day they would disagree with the above statement. But I know what's real and reality has brought freedom. I don't feel bitter, I don't feel angry, I feel like I can leave this behind and stop hoping for something that will never be.

As an aside, I know that people may also disagree with me about publicly sharing some lousy church experiences (even though I haven't gone into a great deal of detail). However, the above person sharing their experiences with me contributed to my freedom. Acknowledgement of what is real does that ("The truth will set you free."). Bringing what is ugly into the light reveals it for what it is: ugly, rather than trying to convince someone that there is beauty where there is not and causing them distress in not being able to reconcile the incongruity. Fact is the church is full of sinful people. The degree to which we line up with God extends only as far as we acknowledge sin for what it is and partner with God in changing it. My story could contribute to someone else's freedom, and that would be pretty cool. I think the hesitancy in criticizing churches or other Christians is more of a secular obsession with privacy than a biblical one.

Sundays

They suck.

ready to change

My own post on having to choose between my children and myself when it comes to church continued to bother me. I like the people, including the leaders, but this just isn't working for me. There is no resolution to the hurts I have experienced, and I have no hope of ever feeling like I am more than a 2nd class citizen there. Generally I want to resolve issues, but I've tried and there doesn't seem to be a resolution.

What now? I'll stick it out until this round of electives in Kid's Church is over. Then I guess it's on to the tried and true practice of church-hopping until I find a place that feels like home.

I really admire some of the people who are trying to be the church outside of the typical church structure, and while I could probably meet my own needs that way, if I worked at it enough, I don't see my kids profitting from it as much.

I'm starting to think about what it is that I am looking for, because it is a fuzzy concept in some ways. I want a church:

• where women's equality is acknowledged and lived out
• where I don't feel like there are first rate and second rate people in the congregation
• where my children can feel like they are a part of community
• where church events exist to have children and parents together rather than separating them constantly
• where many people are involved in music
• where communication is open, honest and immediate
• where trust is placed in the congregation
• where pastoral care happens
• where discussion happens

Anyone know - does such a place exist?

New job

I was offerred the position I referred to earlier and accepted it. I start as soon as my criminal record check is available. I am feeling a mix of emotion. I'm relieved that I will soon have an income again. However, compared to my work over the last year I will have longer hours, less money and more stress. It is term for 5 months, possibly longer. I will be working with an employment program for people with mental illness.

Job thoughts

Today I spoke with one of the woman who interviewed me last week for the position I'm not sure I want, but financially need. She wanted one more reference, answered a few questions I had, and I got the distinct impression that if the one more reference is a positive one they will offer me the position. I am contemplating God's plan in all of this, wondering what it is that I'm supposed to get out of this experience, when the thought pops into my head - Hey, Jude, it's not all about you! Maybe this place needs someone like you right now! Did you ever think of that?

And I hadn't really. I've had many jobs where I feel like I'm constantly battling against my weaknesses and my strengths are underutilized. My favourite (not) was the boss that told me that mine was not a position for influence or ideas. I said it sounded like she was telling me to just shut up and do my job, and she affirmed that. So the idea that I might have/be what this place needs and THAT'S why I'm there is kind of a revelation, silly as it may sound.

But we'll see. I could have misread the subtleties of the situation. And maybe there is something else for me, and me for it.

Children and activity

I'm attending a conference today and tomorrow on Parenting put on by Healthy Child Manitoba Office. This morning Silken Lauman spoke about her passion for getting children to play and it was quite refreshing in that she discourages children from being in tons of organized activities and urges parents and children to rediscover play, fun and community. I have struggled with feeling weird because I don't want to be out every evening at one activity or another, so it was very affirming to have someone - and an Olympian at that - say that she agrees with me - well, she didn't mention me specifically.

It's also nice to be able to spend time with people who are likewise concerned about children's lifestyles, especially after on my very own blog it was implied that I was obsessed. Notice my blog doesn't allow anonymous comments anymore. It's not that I don't think people should disagree with me - on the contrary, I welcome disagreement (and the chance to trounce you with my superior debating skills). However, I do think that if you're going to call someone obsessive, you should own that comment and not hide behind an anonymous label.

I had a job interview Friday. A big part of me doesn't want it because it's not the type of work I'm really hankering to do plus I just so love being my own boss. However right now my boss pays me diddly squat. Plus I do think the work could be somewhat interesting, appropriately challenging and thus a chance to prove myself at a new level.

I felt very negative in church this morning. I'm going because my kids want to be there. Last night I talked to a friend who is not going to a church because of her child. I think it just sucks that neither of us can seem to find a way that a whole family can feel that their needs are being met. Yes, I know church is not just about getting my needs met, and ask not what your church will do for you, yadda, yadda. I do wonder if those kinds of statements come from a defensive posture of churches that haven't a clue how to meet the needs of their congregations. "It's not our fault, it's theirs, they take and take and never give!" Well, baby, I've given in a thousand ways and never seem to find a place that I truly belong.