Ugh!

One of those shopping days. For clothes. I wish I had the love of shopping that infects some people. I hate it. I like very few of the clothes in stores and what I like isn't in my size or doesn't fit me right. Hey, I didn't end up in tears, though, so that's a plus.

I need an outfit that I can wear to grad and to sing at a wedding this summer. I've hit almost every store I think has half a chance at having something suitable. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Ashlin threw a big tantrum in The Bay. We went through the trying to figure out what's wrong, trying to correct what's wrong, realizing that we can't correct what's wrong, trying to rationalize with a three year old that we already tried to correct what's wrong and it's just not possible, and then trying to ignore her outburst to see if she'll just decide to stop. Had to realize that this was going nowhere and Rob took her to the van to calm down. He overheard some guy make a comment to his wife about "avoiding stuff like THAT!" and "Yeah, ignore it, that'll work." Bothered him. Not me, not today. Already too bothered by clothes, I guess.

It wasn't all bad. Taryn and Conor handled the trip well.

My TV appearance

I was interviewed for A channel, CKY and CBC French today.

I was at work when Rob called to say he had a horrible headache and wasn't managing well. The one thing I had wanted to do today was attend the press announcement about a program that is coming out of our office. Because it's a parenting program, and because they picked a spot where they hoped to have lots of parents and kids, I decided to just pick up the kids and still go to it.

As it turns out, there were very few kids there. So when the announcement was over the media descended on us to get the parental reaction. Conor threw a nice tantrum and I saw all the cameras out of the corner of my eye, focusing on this display of hard parenting moments.

I wrote my last exam today!!!!
My final final!!!!!!

I still have course work before it's done, but minor stuff in comparison.

Opinions please: What is the best way to party when this is all over?

Job hunting

I hate job hunting. No matter what the position, I always read the description and feel like it's way beyond me. Once I'm actually there I see that, yes, I can do this. But there's that nagging doubt that I suspect keeps me from coming across as confident.

I don't know how to explain that I have skills and abilities that apply. I know I do, but I don't know how to tell people that. I don't like to feel like I'm bragging.

Then there's the matter of what jobs to apply for. Besides the policy analyst one, the only jobs I've come across that I am qualified for are ones that I don't want to do. We don't have enough finances to hold us for very long after graduation. Even if Rob goes back to Zellers after parental leave it is not a life-sustaining income. So do I apply for these jobs that leave my heart heavy just to make sure I have something, as poverty would make my heart even heavier? Or do I hold out and hope for something that matches the best of me?

An experiment

First some background - you know the story of Mary and Martha where Mary is listening to Jesus and Martha is running around getting stuff ready? Well, on most days, Martha has nothing on me. I am like Martha on speed. I have a variety of theories as to what has contributed to this tendency, but origins are not so important as the fact that I am driving my family insane because my stressing out about doing things stresses out my family, even though the reason I do it is to help make our family life go more smoothly.

So we're trying an experiment this week. When I'm home from work I'm going to focus on the kids and do NO, none, zero, zilch, housework unless Rob asks me to do something. No guesswork, no wondering what he wants me to help with or assuming that something needs my attention. Outright communication. Hmmm. Might actually work. I'll let you know.

Ah, the blogging that can go on without me while I am absent from cyberspace for a few days. I am referring to Johan's and Cindy's - which I'm not going to give you links to - Cindy's is at right and Johan's can be reached through Yvonne's, who is at right.
First of all, let me make it totally clear that I was kidding about becoming agnostic.
Second, I joined Cindy at first in feeling offended at Johan's comments. My heart is not shown in what I attend. I don't really think that's what Johan was getting at - he was getting at the heart matters that he believes would show in attendance. But showing up at an event won't change my heart. I'm sick of going to meetings and seeing everyone else touched and get nothing. I'm tired of being around on fire people who say if you just do A, B and C (usually read your Bible, pray and minister to others) you, too, will have a spiritual life that zings.
It doesn't always work, and I'm not going to pretend it does.
Back to hell...I looked it up in the concordance. Now, keeping in mind that it's not an exhaustive concordance and that references to punishment in the afterlife do not necessarily use the word hell, I was still surprised to see it's a very, very small section.
On to love...again, keeping in mind that it's not and exhaustive concordance, there were pages and pages of references to love.
And I think God spoke. I grew up with hellfire and brimstone preaching. I asked Jesus into my heart again and again because I was so afraid of hell and so scared that last time it didn't take. I had scary hell dreams.
It's not that I don't love Jesus, or haven't experienced life in him - I do and have. But I think this whole hell thing is coming to the forefront because it's really hard to live a life in Christ that is primarily on a foundation of fear, not love. I can't become an agnostic, because I fear, not because I know love in a deep, deep way, because I don't think I do. I can't get excited about going to something like a Sunday night service because I know I'll leave there empty.
The bright light for me? That God is bringing this out for a reason. That I'm starting to find community - not in a big gathering where tons of people get slain in the spirit, but in my living room, with Mercy and Cindy, with conversation and caring that has come out of relationship. That was REAL. And I loved it (and my husband is brilliant for suggesting it). God is meeting me, and I am struggling and it doesn't look like anything from before and any of the prescriptions I usually hear. But it's about the heart.

btw, I applied for a policy analyst job yesterday.
Still unsure if I want it. Security vs. flexibility.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

As I seem to be slowly approaching agnosticism I am still observing Lent in my own small way. The other night at the Norwex party there was a lot of very tempting, yummy food and at one point I actually said to myself, "Aw screw it, just take something."

I could not.

That is not like me at all. Food is extremely hard to resist and once I decide not to resist don't get in between me and a brownie.

Even in the midst of wondering who is God, what is real and what is my place in it all, I have this sense of sacred, that something is on the line here.

Hinn, healing...

Rob and I watched some the 5th Estate's expose on Benny Hinn tonight. I have no trouble believing the guy's a fake. But then there's another question: Why doesn't God heal? Every healing I seem to hear about is second or third hand. And so many of them are, well, doubtful. A lot of conditions just stop. The type of miracles in the Bible don't seem to be around. Why?

This wondering about everything and not wanting to go to church is kind of scary. I don't know if I'm losing my faith or on my way to finding it.

I can't do it

I can't reconcile hell and a loving God. In my attempts to be real, I realized that this is a major stumbling block to me accepting that God loves me. It doesn't matter that I'm probably not going there. It still keeps me from believing in God's love. I told him that, too. Wonder what he'll say.