Ah, the blogging that can go on without me while I am absent from cyberspace for a few days. I am referring to Johan's and Cindy's - which I'm not going to give you links to - Cindy's is at right and Johan's can be reached through Yvonne's, who is at right.
First of all, let me make it totally clear that I was kidding about becoming agnostic.
Second, I joined Cindy at first in feeling offended at Johan's comments. My heart is not shown in what I attend. I don't really think that's what Johan was getting at - he was getting at the heart matters that he believes would show in attendance. But showing up at an event won't change my heart. I'm sick of going to meetings and seeing everyone else touched and get nothing. I'm tired of being around on fire people who say if you just do A, B and C (usually read your Bible, pray and minister to others) you, too, will have a spiritual life that zings.
It doesn't always work, and I'm not going to pretend it does.
Back to hell...I looked it up in the concordance. Now, keeping in mind that it's not an exhaustive concordance and that references to punishment in the afterlife do not necessarily use the word hell, I was still surprised to see it's a very, very small section.
On to love...again, keeping in mind that it's not and exhaustive concordance, there were pages and pages of references to love.
And I think God spoke. I grew up with hellfire and brimstone preaching. I asked Jesus into my heart again and again because I was so afraid of hell and so scared that last time it didn't take. I had scary hell dreams.
It's not that I don't love Jesus, or haven't experienced life in him - I do and have. But I think this whole hell thing is coming to the forefront because it's really hard to live a life in Christ that is primarily on a foundation of fear, not love. I can't become an agnostic, because I fear, not because I know love in a deep, deep way, because I don't think I do. I can't get excited about going to something like a Sunday night service because I know I'll leave there empty.
The bright light for me? That God is bringing this out for a reason. That I'm starting to find community - not in a big gathering where tons of people get slain in the spirit, but in my living room, with Mercy and Cindy, with conversation and caring that has come out of relationship. That was REAL. And I loved it (and my husband is brilliant for suggesting it). God is meeting me, and I am struggling and it doesn't look like anything from before and any of the prescriptions I usually hear. But it's about the heart.