"Come to me all you who are weary and I will give your rest...my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
"Take up your cross and follow me."

Seems a tad contradictory, doesn't it? Not much rest when carrying a cross. A cross seems like a fairly heavy yolk. The only way I can reconcile the two is to see them as different seasons in life. Sometimes we rest, sometimes we carry. There are light times and heavy times, joy and sorrow.

I have felt very weary for a month. I think I'm trying to carry crosses and maybe the HS is not the one requiring this of me right now. The first verse is the one resonating with me. Maybe this is supposed to be a season of rest.

Attachment again

I feel compelled to respond to my own wild pendulum swings because I have been both:
1. posting that attachment theories have been really helpful, and
2. posting that attachment theories don't work.

Once I was a bit more settled after #2, I realized something. I haven't been following attachment principles that closely when I am stressed, but that's the time our family needs them most. In research, this dynamic is sometimes seen when a program is supposed to be effective, then some other agency or jurisdiction tries it and says, "Hey, this doesn't work like you reported." Then when people examine the program in the new place, they realize that changes were made to the program - maybe paraprofessionals were used instead of professionals, or monthly visits instead of weekly. I realized that I was guilty of the same thing - claiming the intervention doesn't work when I really wasn't following the intervention. I still have to learn attachment to the point where it's more integrated into our family.

Rob has started reading Neufeld and implementing the principles, and now that we're both on the same page we DO notice changes in the kids that are positive.

Free at last!

My mother's visit is over. We actually had one good day. After that, things really disintegrated. I kept her out of the house as much as possible because she does not like my kids. She says she does, but then constantly stares at them with disapproving and angry looks on her face. The one big blow up came when she was shushing my kids. I can negotiate some boundaries, but Rob and I are the ones who do the disciplining (to which she would say, "Well, I don't think you're doing a very good job."). Then it was time to say how horrible my sister and I treat her. And threaten to pull our inheritance unless we shape up.

The girls started telling me they weren't so sure about her by day 2. They've never had this much intense Grandma time before.

I moved to a different province to get away from her. Ironically, if I had stayed close by, it would have been easier to handle, because I could drop by for short visits every once in a while rather than having to have these long stretches.

More balanced today.

I slept.
Things a bit more in perspective.

Long complaint coming...

I am blogging to hide from my family right now. I don't like any of them much at the moment. I still love all of them. I just want to be alone. Rob's sick - again. I don't know if my perceptions are accurate but it seems like he gets sick or has a headache or has a bad back so easily and so often and I really don't do well taking over all roles when that happens. I spend my whole day cooking and cleaning and by the time the kids are in bed I don't have the mental energy to do the work I will actually get paid for. I'm going to have to put in really long days

Thank goodness today was the last day of school because I don't think I could have hauled Taryn out of bed one more time without bloodshed. Every morning, she resists, she dawdles, she procrastinates, she gets angry, I get angry. I'll try something new and maybe it's a tiny bit better, or then again maybe not. And if it gets a little better, it doesn't stay that way.

Ashlin is whiny and complaining about absolutely everything. She doesn't like meals. She wants to go to the school yard but doesn't want to walk. She asks me a dozen times a day, "What can I do, Mommy?" If I give her an idea, she turns it down. If I encourage her to think of something, she'll only ever tell me she wants to watch TV. She won't clean up her own toys.

And with Conor, I'm just tired of changing poopy diapers (I think once a day is enough, his colon disagrees), cleaning up messes, keeping him out of the girls' stuff so they don't cry and scream.

Now Rob is reading Neufeld's book. "Are you using connection or separation?" "Are you working with attachment?" No, I'm working with detachment, which is soom going to be your head from your body. And what are my next deliverables? Documents on the subject of attachment! And I feel like screaming, "Attachment doesn't &&#$^(#@ work!!!!! Neufeld sucks!!!!"

Now that I've left WCV I feel an internal pressure to make something new and yet absolutely no ideas on how to do it or really even motivation to do so. I want to do nothing. I'm tired of being in places that don't work out for me. Why try again?

Isn't this cool?

The Winnipeg Free Press Online Edition

Yay!

The entire Free Press is now online!

How will you celebrate Festivus?

Tomorrow is Festivus. I'm relatively unfamiliar with it, but Rob told me about it and we spent a bit of time looking on the internet. Started in the 1960s, it became well known when the originator's son was writing for Seinfeld and included it in an episode. Now many people celebrate Festivus: A holiday for the rest of us.

You can buy the central decoration piece: an aluminum pole

Festivus cards are available online.

A central part of the celebration is the annual airing of grievances.

As my mother (insert ominous music) is coming tomorrow, I must wish you all a Festivus greeting now:

I have a lot of problems with you people.

Happy Festivus!

More on Christmas

Another interesting article on Christmas. Gotta love John Lonhurst.

It is kind of ridiculous that Christians get all upset about taking Christ out of Christmas when Christians took it from pagans in the first place. If we're gonna get back to basics we better pick some new deities.

Different Takes

Tonight I was reading a post from St. Benedict's Table

It starts out:

Steve Bell sent an e-mail message to me the other day, in which he invited me to engage a conversation around the way in which this society "does" Christmas. At the heart of his e-mail was a fairly hefty question: given the past year's run of natural disasters, the continuing HIV/AIDS tragedy in Africa, the ongoing holocaust that is world hunger, and the horrors of seemingly endless war and violence (Iraq, Palestine, the Sudan and Uganda, to name just the obvious few), does our version of Christmas make any sense? Does is proclaim anything truthful into these situations of despair and loss? Or is it simply bizarre - even morally wrong - to continue to celebrate Christmas in the tried and true ways, when quite clearly there is no "peace on earth?"

which is very thought provoking and I have no problem with.

At another point, the author (Jamie Howison) says:

"But sadly, when it comes to Christmas, the modern imagination has been shaped far more by Dickens than by the Gospels."

and

"It is all supposed to turn out well, just as it does for Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life."

Now, it just so happens that my hubby loves movies, and this year bought some Christmas titles, including A Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life. So while I generally agree with Howison's post, I found his use of these stories to represent the trivialization of Christmas to be, well, wrong.

Dickens' story as well as Capra's have at their core a deep reflection of justice issues. Dickens wrote the story to address the inequities of society in a way that people would understand. And what a better model of how the rich hoarde and lord than the infamous Potter?

This year as I watched the moview, I wondered, How did I miss this? How did I think this was lite holiday fare? While drawing upon images that are heartwarming and optimistic, there is a darkness to these movies in that they reflect fundamental inequities of society. More than "life is good and Christmas is a time of love", I found these movies had an underlying theme of "Life is full of injustice and good people must stand up against it."

you can't choose your relatives

My mom is coming for Christmas. This is what I offered a month ago. She said no, because she would have to stay in a hotel and didn't want to stay in a hotel. I was relieved.
But on the phone the other night she revealed she has no plans for Christmas. No one had invited her anywhere. I repeated my offer. She took me up on it, hotel and all.
I'm glad she won't be alone the first Christmas without Dad. But this is going to be a difficult weekend.

Making sense of politics

I've had an idea stirring around in my head and I'm throwing it out there to see who might be interested. I was thinking about the election coming up and finding ways to make sense of the issues. I'm envisioning a time when a bunch of people get together, along with reps from the political parties, for a discussion night - KEY WORD: DISCUSSION, not debate, not speeches. People could talk about the issues that concern them and the party reps could talk about the outcomes they desire, the policies they are proposing and how they perceive their policies leading to those outcomes.

I'd like to see a working group of 4-5 interested people to bring it about. Nate and I have emailed about it and he's intrigued, so WCV as a place would work.

So, anyone interested? You don't have to know anything about politics, just be a person who wants to help arrange a place which will help us all understand better.

I remember thinking way back in June that I'm glad grieving seems to come in waves, in doses, otherwise the intensity would be practically unbearable.

This characteristic can take me by surprise, too. Every so often, I'll think about Dad, and think that I haven't cried for awhile, and I'll think that maybe the crying is over now. Maybe things have resettled at the new normal.

Today I got a Christmas card from my Mom. When I opened it I saw that she had put in a picture of Dad. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears again. How can he be gone? How can people just go?

This is such a long process.

Next book night

The next book night will be in January.

Book: Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld

This book is not a novel, so it will be a good night even if you haven't read the book but would just like to talk about parenting.

If interested, when would be good times for scheduling?

For your holiday pleasure

A rewrite of the song from the Peanut's Christmas Special, Christmas Time is Here

Christmas time is here

Have a glass of beer

Or some wine, it’s so divine

I wish I had some near

Whiskey is quite nice

Scotch and Rye entice

It is super in a stupor

I see all things twice

(I dedicate this to my husband, whose continual influence in changing the words of every song ever written has warped my brain forever.)

Crime and Punishment

I can't help it. Politics rules the airwaves and I feel like screaming. I have to blog more about this stuff before my head explodes. So at the risk of people starting to say That Jude is turning into a raving lefty...

Here's a question I'd like to see policians asked more often: How?

How will what you propose have the effect you want it to have? How will your policies make a difference?

Take crime - always a good sound bite and photo op issue. What do we hear constantly?

Politician: We've got to get tougher on crime. We've got to have stronger deterents. Then we'll have a safer society.

Wisened citizen: How?

Politician: Well...if people have to serve longer sentences, they'll be less likely to commit the crime, and we'll be safer.

Wisened citizen: [sadly shakes head]

Politician: What?

Wisened citizen: Your proposition is based on a faulty assumption. You assume that criminals weigh the risks before commiting crimes, the pros and cons. The criminal mind is different. Often they have not developed their rational thinking. Crimes are committed in the heat of the moment, in a fit of passion, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol. There is no thought of what the punishment is. Therefore, stronger punishments will not make crimes less likely to happen. All we can hope to do is keep criminals in jail longer. This will be very expensive. It will take a lot of tax dollars. Say, doesn't your party talk about lowering taxes all the time?

Politican: Got to go now.

It is discouraging to see people still trotting out this tired old line when we know what works: prevention. And the earlier, the better. The behavioural problems that predict criminal behaviour can be seen by the time children reach school. The first five years are crucial. We don't think of crime prevention when we think of toddlers, but it's where the rubber hits the road. Not that programs that focus on later stages will be uneffective - some seem to be quite good - but their effectiveness will be even greater if it builds on something that starts in early childhood, giving support to parents and services to children.

The research is pretty clear. Focusing on early childhood will reduce crime among those kids later on in life. One particular early childhood intervention program - which included quality child care for these disadvantaged kids - found that 40 years later, those kids now adults have committed less crimes and in general take less resources (e.g. social assistance) than their counterparts who didn't have the program. Here's the kicker: In the end, even though the program was expensive, the savings in the long run have been about 17 to 1. For every dollar that was spent on that program, society has saved about $17 in not having to pay for jails, remedial education, social assistance, etc. (In this case, an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure)

But that means what has become a dirty word for many politicians: social programs. Politicians need a wake-up call. Society will pay for it's less fortunate members, one way or another. They can pay now to give people supports and meaningful options, or we can pay later in jail. And contrary to popular belief, the second way is far more expensive.

Maybe the adage is right

Don't try to discuss religion or politics.

And on the lighter side

Long shopping day yesterday. Necessary to get a lot of stuff for my rapidly growing eldest, especially. But they were getting very grumpy riding around.

Me: How about we sing a song?
Taryn: No.
Me (trying to lighten the mood): How about you pick your nose?
Taryn: No!
Ashlin: I want to!
Me: What do you want to do, Ash? Sing a song or pick your nose?
Ashlin: I can't decide which.

political thoughts

Another election.

yay.

I'm looking forward to that about as much as I am to the tooth caps my dentist is advising (let me just dig up the $1800 from my loose change, doc.) But, it's here, it's reality, and I have thoughts.

1. Maybe you shouldn't vote.
Yes, I know the usual shtick is to encourage everyone to get involved in the process, exert your democratic right, etc. I don't quite understand that. I think there are a lot of people who shouldn't vote.

First of all, if you really don't care, don't vote. Don't go mark an "X" somewhere if it really has no meaning for you, just because a poorly done government rap commercial says you should. Yeah, people want you to care, but being cynical may be your place right now. Be there if you must.

Second, if you don't take the time to understand the issues, don't vote. Too many people have a sound bite perception of politics that doesn't really understand a big picture perspective. Every pro has a con. There are no ideal solutions. Newspaper columnists are really bad. Let's look at fact A - it is obvious that because A is a fact, the solution is B. Meanwhile, they leave out factors C through Z that would also be affected by B. What sounds good and right in isolation can be horrible in reality. More on that to come.

Third, if you do understand the issues, and there is no clear winner, don't vote. What is the point of flipping a coin to choose just so you can say you participated? If you took the time to think it through and realize that you can't throw your support behind someone, why make it seem like you support someone or something you don't?

2. Things are not always what they seem.
I grew up in Conservative land. Actually, just being in the church a lot of the time seems to mean living in Conservative land. I remember one year, at a former church, the leadership polled local politicians where most membership lived on 3 issues: private schools, abortion, and another I can't remember. Then they reported the results to the congregation. The implication was clear: Christians vote conservative.

I'm not so sure on that anymore. Yes, Conservatives are the only party that seem to see anything wrong with abortion and gay marriage. But frankly, those issues aren't going to change anytime soon. Our best hope for abortion is to take action on spreading the truth about what it does to children, women, families and society. The change in policy will not take place without a change in understading. There's a lot of work to be done before that happens. Gay marriage is here to stay. Our votes are not going to make a difference to that. A vote of protest will not help to make progress in other areas.

What are the other areas? Well, poverty is a big one. The conservative solution to almost everything is tax cuts. Shrink the government, let the markets rule. Well, the more the markets rule, the more people go into poverty, the deeper people go into poverty, the richer the already rich grow. How is that Christian? How is that within God's will for humanity?

However, I still have a huge heart for the unborn. While I don't believe that legal change will happen, I think that policy could increase or decrease the number currently being performed. If women have better financial outlooks, abortion is probably less likely. Such a scenario is more likely to happen under Liberal or NDP governments. However, those same governments, especially the NDP, are more likely to give financial support to organizations that promote abortion as an ideology, thus perhaps making abortions more likely. It's a crap shoot.

Children's well being is also important. I'm very much for the current plan of developing a national child care system. This is a surprise to me, as a few years ago I would have loved the Conservative plan of just giving all parents a tax credit and let them use it to keep their children at home or use it for child care. But that was before I had a picture of the whole issue. The Conservative plan is not likely to improve children's outcomes in the long haul. My reasoning is this:

• Most kids are in some form of child care at some time (preschool counts)
• Quality child care is better for kids than child care that is of poor quality
• Much of child care in Canada is poor quality
• The answer is not for more stay at home parents, because that is not economically feasible for many families, not something other families want, and it is not economically feasible for society.
• Children in disadvantaged homes (stressed, hostile parents, often but definitely not always low income) especially benefit from having exposure to good child care. They do better in child care than if they remain at home with a stay at home parent.
• Better child care will only happen if we fund child care, not families. This has been shown time and time again in other developed countries. Countries that have good quality child care always get there by developing child care directly, not just giving tax credits.
• This does not mean that we abandon stay at home parents. Both can be supported, and have been supported.

To summarize - the issues are complex, and to vote with understanding takes time and effort. I know how long it took me to understand the necessity of child care, and I don't even know how to get a handle on issues I have next to no knowledge about (e.g. climate change, Kyoto). What I am sure of, is there are no ideal options, and no party has a handle on a true Christian response.