Thnk, think, think

I watched Bill Maher (I think that's his name) on Leno last night. He was making fun of the fact that Geroge Bush said that the jury is out on evolution. Gee, Bill, what part of evolutionary evidence makes you so confident, the thousands of fossils showing gradual change from one species into another? Oh wait! THERE AREN'T ANY!

Don't get me wrong. This isn't about defending Bush (I don't agree with a lot of his administration) or a young earth/no evolution stance (I'm quite content to say I don't know and we'll never know how creation actually went down. I just feel fairly confident that there's a creator). This is about the failure of evolutionary "science" to acknowledge it's own weaknesses to the point that people fail to distinguish between theory and fact.

Just like many theories, evolution has things going for it. On the plus side, there are many similarities between species and evidence of change over time within a species. On the negative side, there is virtually no fossil evidence of one species evolving into another, and the impracticality of matters such as survival of an animal who had a forelimb that was half leg, half wing.

It bothers me that as a society we fail in looking at the whole picture. I like to see people who think rather than just accept, whether that applies to science or religion.

Your thoughts are welcome here!

gender and balance

I’ve been noticing something. Two things. Two trends in society.

The first is that gender doesn’t matter. Gender doesn’t matter in sexuality (it’s who you love, not what genetalia you have), it doesn’t matter in careers (women should be able to fight in the military as much as men) and it doesn’t matter in pursuits (women journalists in male locker rooms and even the fight for girls on mostly boy teams to use the same locker room).

Yet at the same time, there is an opposite trend, a kind of hyper-gender trend. For example, have you tried to find a unisex bicycle? Most toys, as a matter of fact, seem to fall squarely in a boy or girl category. Even Lego has now become genderized (I know, I know, my spell check didn’t like that one, either). Clothing has generally always been decidedly feminine or masculine, but in the last few years even that has gone extreme, with women’s clothing being extremely sexual, and from earlier and earlier ages.

So on one hand, society is pushing a message that gender is insignificant, on the other it is pushing the message that gender is THE unit of identity.

I wonder if it’s a question of balance. We have mistaken God’s notion of gender, one of balance, where male and female were both created in the image of God and together represent him best. Gender is significant, but it is not all important. As soon as society distorts that balance, it seems that in other ways they have to distort it as much in the other direction to maintain the equilibrium.

gratitude

I think God has been speaking to me, not letting me go into self pity but rather calling me to remember the blessings in my life. So, a gratitute blog is in order.

I'm thankful that I had a Dad who loved me, that I had him in my life for 36 years, and that I will see him again.
I'm thankful I have a husband who has asked next to nothing of me for the last month while making me gourmet meals from Jamie Oliver's latest cookbook.
I'm thankful for my cute, darling wonderful kids who hug me lots and make me laugh every day.
I'm thankful for friends like Cindy, Shelley, Bev, Mercy and Colleen who have taken the time for me and listened.
I'm thankful that Sharon (my sis) and I can share the load and that she's not someone who will get all obnoxious about estate matters.
I'm thankful I have a job I really enjoy and feel fulfilled in, and that it allowed me the flexibility to do what I needed to do after Dad died.
I'm thankful that God is there, not letting me get into self-pity, moving me to walk with him, and drawing me close.

Dad

This is my dad's obituary.

Harold Herbert Heppner was born September 25, 1935 at Hepburn, Saskatchewan. He died June 21, 2005 at the age of 69 years.

He was predeceased by his parents, Henry M. and Agatha (nee Epp), infant son Russel, step-mother Katherina, brother Elmer and brothers-in-law Rod Junkin and William Bergen.

He is survived and mourned by his wife Marjorie, daughter Sharon (Len) Harms and their children, Crystal, Amber and Jaden, daughter Judi (Rob) Daly and their children Taryn, Ashlin and Conor, siblings and in-laws Sarah Heppner, Art (Mary) Heppner, Margaret Junkin, Mathilda (Eugene) Thiessen, Vonda Bergen, Wilfred (Savilla) Heppner, Clarence (Eileen) Heppner, Wes and Betty Friesen, Gerald and Fran Friesen, Robert Friesen and Ken Friesen, many nieces, nephews and other extended family.

He grew up on his family’s mixed farm northwest of Waldheim. During his childhood he attended Springfield School. He married Marjorie Friesen on October 12, 1962. He took over the farm after this and eventually switched over to grain farming. He lived on that farm for 67 years until 2003 when he and Marjorie built their dream house and moved into Waldheim. He loved farming and was especially proud to own land that had been in the family for over 100 years, a fact for which he received a heritage award.

Throughout his life he attended Salem Church; he was baptized and became a member of the church in August of 1976. He lived his faith quietly and firmly, attending church faithfully, serving on the church board and cemetery committee, showing generosity and kindness to many.

Family and friends were very important to Harold. He loved to visit people and go for coffee. He was always quick to help out his friends, neighbours and family members and he liked to buy gifts for people. He loved children and was an attentive dad, uncle and grandfather, playing games, having water fights and reading. He traveled and went camping a lot, going on family vacations once or twice a year and spending numerous winters in Arizona once he and Marjorie retired.

He enjoyed life fully and his many activities included: 4H Club, cross country snowmobile racing, Old Timers’ hockey team, welding, swimming, playing shuffleboard, coin collecting, making patio lights and country gospel music, in recent years traveling to various music jamborees.

He will be sadly missed by all who knew him.

Child care

The research I'm doing on child care is very interesting. Far from giving a black and white answer of either child care is good or child care is bad, it really points out the various shades of gray around the issue. There are different levels of quality in child care, and there are many different family characteristics that influence children's development. It is very clear that children that come from disadvantaged homes do better if they spend time in quality child care. But the majority of homes aren't disadvantaged, and I don't think the majority of child care could be called high quality. For everyone else, it can really be a crap shoot. It's impossible to say if a child will do better or worse in a given situation, and it's entirely possible for children to benefit one way (e.g. cognitively) and do worse another (e.g. socially) in the same situation. In general, though, the development of kids in care and the development of kids in parent care is roughly equal. Where research shows differences, they are often fairly small differences (outside of very disadvantaged kids).

I received word that my Dad's brother has died. Unlike my Dad, this death was expected. My uncle had cancer for many years and was too weak to come to my dad's funeral. Everyone knew it would be any time now. But man, what weird timing - within a month. My dad was the youngest and this brother was about one year older. That must just leave the other five siblings heads spinning - their 2 baby brothers gone. My oldest uncle (still alive, the very oldest sibling died a couple of years ago) talked about changing their diapers when he was a teenager and they were little.

I didn't know this uncle well, they lived in BC my entire life and I've only seen them a handful of times. My understanding is that their faith is more at the nominal end of the spectrum, although my uncle was definitely a believer. Makes it harder to know what to write when I send a card.

One more thing.
I am just really having a hard time with everything.
I would love some phone calls.
I would love it if people stopped by.
I really hate asking but I'm not sure how to get what I need.

Difficult week

I am emotionally wasted. It is difficult to make decisions for someone who can't make decisions but thinks she can. My mom can only hold one variable in her mind at a time. Take the phone. She was always complaining about the phone, that it was ringing and we were on it. The facts that we were doing this to help her and that taking care of business after a death just are not on the radar. Somehow we should be able to help her without the phone actually ringing and without talking to anyone.

Same with long distance. She fretted because she had a larger than usual long distance bill because of everything around dad's death. So every time I talked it was, "Are you calling long distance? How long were you on? I don't want you making any long distance calls, I had a big phone bill." Sure, I left my family, I pined for them, I needed to help her with business by long distance. None of that registered. She could only process a phone bill.

Then two people made the horrible mistake of telling her to take things slow. Then every time we pressed her for a necessary decision: "**** and **** told me to take things slow and this is not slow! I can't do this all at once" But we can't come out here every other week. Some things have to be done, now.

My mom lives by these rules:
1. The world must revolve around her.
2. She is always right.
3. Everyone else must always think she is right.
4. Everyone else must do what she thinks they should do.
5. If someone disagrees with her, that person is mean and she is being persecuted.

We have expressed that it has cost us a lot of wages to come out and help her (I have no bereavement leave, vacation, anything.) The executor advised her to share her resources (she's fairly well-off) in light of this - we're helping her, after all - and she agreed. But if I dared disagree with her, "If you want me to give you that $*, you'd better respect me." I have respected her. Of any time in my life I've never been more respectful of her. But I violated the rules and so I must be punished.

And the bizarreness. She received a lot of food from people. She had someone's tupperware container that was empty and was fretting about it being in her house and she didn't want it taking up space (our whole house could fit in her great room, she has tons of space). Then she said, "I guess I'll just take it to the post office and leave it there for her."
Me (staring at her incredulously): "You can't take someone's personal property and leave it in a public place.
Her: Well, what am I supposed to do with it, then?
Me: Well, you could take a drive, return it and have a nice coffee and a visit.
Her: I don't like to drive in the evening. You know that! You know that, Judi!

No I don't know that. Not to mention I did not say it had to be in the evening.

It's not the grief process. She's always been this way, but perhaps worse as time goes on. I think it was especially bad because she usually picked on Dad and now he's not here to pick on so we took up the slack. I wonder who her next victim will be.

Yes, slightly aggravated tonight. It is hard to have a mom who thinks of no one but herself. Moms are supposed to be somewhat kind and giving. She has very little of that in her at the best of times. Now it's even worse. No acknowledgement that she's not the only one who is grieving. I was processing some of it this morning. She must have been somewhat giving when I was young. Babies have to be taken care of to survive. But even then, one can go through the motions without the heart. And whether it was the HS or just me, I don't know, but I made a connection. I've always felt like I don't matter. Everyone but me matters. And I think I know where the root of that comes from. I didn't matter then, I don't matter now. I am simply a path or an obstacle to her own fulfillment.

I am so glad to be home.

Off to Sask tomorrow

I'm leaving for Sask. Flying by myself.
I've never been away from my kids for this long (4 nights).
Feeling apprehensive. It's hard to deal with the aftermath of death.

culture and spirituality

A coworker who is very involved in native spirituality was talking about our team taking part in a sweat lodge together. She sees a sweat lodge as something that all religions can do together.
It got me thinking about the culture/religion topic. When does a cultural practice cross the line over to something that God doesn't want for me? How do I know? Things like sweat lodges, smudging and yoga are especially curious for me.

Ash-itude

So we're driving home. Taryn asks about a big machine and why it moves so slowly. I say that often big things move more slowly.
Ashlin tells me that a big snowball goes down a hill faster than a small snowball.
"So, I'm right, Mommy, and you're WRONG! I'm right and you're wrong."

She's 3!!!

I don't know where she gets it.

Dang ethics

Dealing with my father's estate is proving to be very interesting. He was a farmer, loved the land and so could never bring himself to sell it even after he retired.

His will was from 1992. He was talking consistently about updating it but never made a decision on what course to take and never did. So he left everything to my mother.

BAD BAD BAD. Why, you ask? Because my mother is crazy. Okay, crazy is a loose term, and not really a diagnosis. Let me give you a brief rundown. My mother is a carrier of a genetic disorder. It's called Fragile X and it causes mental retardation in males. In her family, the 50/50 chance of getting it worked out exactly - she has two normal brothers and two mentally handicapped brothers.

Females are considered carriers, they don't get the disorder. She is not mentally handicapped. But a certain percentage of carriers are affected by it to some degree. For my mother, that means she is limited intellectually and socially. There is no way on earth she can handle being on her own or dealing with the whole estate.

She is not the executor, though, so there is a plus. And she has given power of attorney to both my sister and me. Another plus.

My sister and I were talking about how to handle things. I said I had no problem going behind mom's back to do things like close down credit cards and bank accounts that she will not use in order to simplify the process (I'm going to be taking over day to day accounts, my sister will look after more long term investment matters). She pointed out that Power of Attorney is not supposed to go against the person's will. And my mom was bristling at some things (such as closing a certain credit card) because she is paranoid and she gets very confused and twists things around in her mind.

So ethically, I guess I'm going to have to try to work with her, and I've had an initial "things are going to have to change" conversation with her in which she seemed agreeable. But it still seems to me that the less information she has, the smoother things will go.

She also hasn't driven in years that I know of. She will zone out and talk to herself, and we are concerned about that happening should she try to drive. As my sister put it, "I wouldn't want to be a pedestrian with her on the road." Apparently she has talked about selling the car and just walking where she needs to go. Probably will encourage that line of thought. If she changes her mind, though - how to handle it?