Our family drove out to the Narcisse Snake Dens yesterday. Along the way we got lots of time to talk about renovations and church - not related at all except that we need a bigger house in order to start to cultivate community in the way we desire. Community is hard to have in a living room that seats 4 comfortably.

In thinking about what it will look like, eventually, I really feel drawn to this post, which talks about keeping the format simple, ways to involve the children meaninfully, while still being able to talk as adults meaningfully. I have some other ideas for children, too, such as giving them a chance to draw pictures of a story or bible concept and then sharing it with the entire group, and giving kids things to read to the group, allowing them to be the ones to light candles, etc (these last 2 were largely borrowed from the former spiritual director at Marymound who now leads St. Benedict's Table, but I don't think he'd mind).

The post also notes an attempt to then just let the kids play while the adults have a deeper conversation, which sounds so simple. At Doug and Cindy's yesterday (who very graciously pulled together a spur of the moment BBQ after the snake dens) I was certainly reminded how hard it is to get in conversation when there are a lot of small children to watch. I suspect the key is not expecting things to be any different. Including children rather than partitioning them off with babysitters or teachers will mean a certain level of chaos. But hopefully our children will grow up feeling like they are already a part of community, rather than feeling like they join it only as adults.

update

It happened. I've been offerred a job. Permanent. Full-time.

I thought I wouldn't get that one. Quite surprised when they offerred it to me.

The job is clinical, providing in-home support to families with a child with FASD.

Now the ethical question has become quite imminent. Legally, I don't have to tell them anything. I don't like the idea of signing on for only a few months. But is it ethical to stay on EI when I could be gainfully employed? Is it ethical to not pay my bills and debts when I now have the means to do so? Is it ethical to form relationships with families whom I will probably not continue with beyond a few months? Then again, I don't KNOW that I'm starting my Masters in fall. I still haven't been officially accepted, only recommended for acceptance by the dept I'm applying to. And even if I am accepted, could I not make an offer to continue to work for this organization on a part-time or casual basis?

Housing search going horribly. Taking a job is actually a detriment to us right now to getting a mortgage. Our mortgage broker has been planning for us to apply as self-employed. However, clearly being no longer self-employed I have to be through a probationary period before being considered for a mortgage. So I think house-buying is out of the question for awhile even if we were to find something that wasn't fatally flawed.

Guilt

Job interview today. I suspect I nailed it. Got a lot of "yep, that's a good point" looks as I was talking. Came home and got a call for another.

Now comes the guilt. I know I don't really want these jobs. I only need an income until I start my Masters in fall. I feel guilty taking a job knowing that they are going to train me and I'm going to ditch them in 4 months.

Interestingly enough, I've rarely sensed the same kind of loyalty in many employers. My last employer didn't hesitate long enough to sniff before deciding not to renew my contract (and thus make me the scapegoat for her own incompetence).

I leave it to you dear reader. Is there an ethical problem with taking a job without having an intent to keep it long term?

Down and up

Looked at a house today. It had a great yard, good area and some nice features but not nearly the space that we were hoping for. It seems like nothing we like is in our price range. I am depressed about that. We started talking about whether or not we could just do major renos to this place to make it work (like put in an entire second floor, finish the basement).

We arrived home to mail that said I have been accepted for a "studentship" (scholarship with some opportunities and responsibilities) which would give me some very practical research experience should I accept it. Accepting it would mean that I would need to go back to school f/t as p/t students are not eligible for the scholarship.

My first thought is, watch, tomorrow I'll get offerred the federal job. I thought about it as if it was a bad thing to have 2 good opportunities come my way and have to choose one. But so far I have one good opportunity. Now I'm wondering, if I do go back to school f/t, what do I do until September?

Mood swings and aging

If you have trouble seeing these, go to the sites for Agnes and Sheldon comic strips.

(It is so sad that there are creative geniuses out there and the Winnipeg Free Press continues to run stuff like "The Family Circus" and "Hi and Lois".)

Mini-trip

I'm back. Didja miss me? Course you didn't, I didn't tell you I was going anywhere. And where did I go? Killarney and Brandon. Why, you may ask. Well, the sad news is that my sister's father-in-law died. So my sister and fam came out from BC for the funeral here in MB. At first I was just planning to go by myself out for the funeral on Thursday and come back the same evening. But after I tucked the kids into bed on Wednesday evening I found that it just didn't feel right. You see, all of our kids get along amazingly well and really enjoy each other. My children constantly talk about wanting to see their cousins. And while the occasion is a sad one, any time to see family is probably a good time to do so when they live so far away.

So we went out for the funeral (kids and I, Rob's back won't allow him to sit for a 3 hour drive), stayed the night in Brandon at a hotel with a pool which was a totally new experience and thus an adventure. Taryn sounded like the poster child for Days Inn. "Days Inn is a great hotel. I think it's the best hotel there is!" I was reminded again of how joyful experiences for my children are so simple: seeing cows and horses and bales along the way, spending time in the Sunday School section of the church with their cousins doing whatever occurred to them while their parents gabbed at the funeral luncheon, playing at a park, picking out a treat at a gas station, getting ice from the hotel ice dispenser, experiencing a continental breakfast.

The more I am around people who are grieving, the more I understand that death is just a part of life, and we need to learn to walk that path well. I was kind of concerned about having my kids around people who are grieving, especially my sister's MIL. Would the sounds of children be more irritating than joyful? But I needn't have worried. Just as I saw that my children's presence seemed to help my mom when my dad died, their presence in this situation seemed to just be normal and leant some smiles and laughter to the time. People said how glad they were we could come out to be with my sister. That is what is needed during grief - relationship, contact, not isolation.

In those long drives back and forth I also discovered more peace about the situation I have just been through at work. First of all, it matters so little. While the expereinces there were often hurtful, they do not rule me, they will not determine my destiny. Second of all: my detractors are wrong. I don't need them to acknowledge it in order for me to know it. I did a great job there, whether or not it is recognized - and in fact, more people expressed positive sentiments to me than expressed negativity. It's too bad they cannot hear my feedback because it would benefit them to change. But it's too bad for them, not for me. I can shake the dust off. They have to live with themselves.

And Rob was able to get a lot more of the house done. A few steps closer to being able to move.

As suspected, I was not paid for a sick day. I called my former supervisor and asked her if I would get paid for it if I got a doctor's note or if she would find another excuse to not pay me. She said I would get paid, asked if there were any other issues. I said yes, I had a huge problem with how the organization has been treating me. Like usual, she brushed it off, said I could talk to the ED if I have concerns.

I also found out that a family member is acting in a way that is disadvantageous to my mother and us financially, a move that is legal, but in my opinion, not ethical.

I'm laying awake a lot at night these days. Feeling very tired of being run over by people who don't seem to give a damn about me after I've given them my best. Sometimes I wish I was a lot less of a nice girl, someone who just says what she thinks and doesn't worry how people feel about it. Wondered if I should write a letter to my former workplace, let them know how screwed up they are. Yet I am quite sure they would not listen. Is it worth it just to let my voice out? Or is it better to just find a way to peace and let them be?

I guess all in all I'm wondering if I should be more forthright. It seems like I spend a lot of time bottling my thoughts, feeling and ideas, waiting for the right time to let them out - the right time being when I have a snese that I will be heard. But that sense rarely comes. And thus I am frustrated. I am tired of feeling that my voice is considered worthless.