*Fume*

I can hear those @#$%^& squirrels in the attic again.

Praying for a hawk.

uncomfortable situation

This week I finally sat down to talk with the person who manages the adolescent programs at my work. I didn't want to. I knew that it would be the same old story: emphasize birth control and all info on abortion must be pro-choice. There is a pregnancy counselling resource, put together with the help of all sorts of organizations that love to promote a "women's right to choose" that she is quite proud of. I sat there and listened. I must have looked like a stone. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to nod or say "mm-hmm" for fear that instead of sounding like I'm listening she interpreted it as I'm agreeing.

On Sunday Rob and I were talking about a lot of God-stuff and it got me thinking about what God might be saying to me. Is it coincidence that Nathan preaches on Esau and Jacob and then when I open the devotional book we're reading the subject is: Esau and Jacob? But more in regards to the above. As we talked I realized a theme had emerged in things I had been noting in the Bible and another book I'm reading. The theme is about speaking the truth, not going along with an idea because it's popular. And I wonder how that applies to where I am.

I did say a couple of things. I let her know that the rumors she heard about CPC showing graphic pictures to clients are untrue and why I know that - I used to volunteer with them. I also pointed out that maybe when people object to the information she wants to give, it is not the facts but the values that they don't want. As much as we might want to believe what we do is value free, it isn't. Our values determine what we put in and what we leave out. She seemed to agree with me, but who knows.

It has got me thinking. Where is the place for caution? Where do we speak out the truth and possibly pay the consequences. I think it has something to do with being wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

It's Saturday

1.5 pounds down. Only 1.5 more pounds until I’m at my pre-Conor weight. In total, since August 2002, this is 34 pounds or thereabouts – I switched scales at some point.

This is a weird day. I have felt stressed and felt like crying all day. I am home. I do not have to go to work. I don’t have to do practically anything yet I feel totally overwhelmed. I finally decided to just take a stress relief day. Still have to parent of course. I will try to take the kids to the park. Maybe it’s mainly parenting that is causing this mood. Taryn is saying no to absolutely everything today. Makes me wonder if I/we are doing something wrong.

Don't you just love how free little kids are about their bodies? Yesterday I was trying to change the girls into pjs at their grandparents. They started running around the house in the buff, giggling, with Ashlin screaming, "I'm make-ed!!!!" No thought that there is any shame. No idea of self-consciousness.

I don't want that to go. I dread the day when some other stupid little kid makes fun about something and they learn that the world does not view them as simply perfect little adorable people, just right in the way they were created.

My new favourite thing: These pop-up post it notes that say “NOTE” and have an arrow to point at whatever you want it to point at on a page that you want to note something on. I LOVE THEM. I couldn’t believe my luck when I found them in the office supply cabinet. I go through research reports and stick little stickies all over them and then take them to meetings and just slide them open to the part I want to refer to.

I know I am insane. I have a love affair with stationery. I was disappointed that I didn’t need to buy anything for Taryn for kindergarten. I could spend hours in Staples just smelling the binders.

I am also starting to LOVE my practicum. Forgive me if I go on about this ad nauseum but I feel I have finally found my place. The work I have done up until this point in my life was very rewarding is some ways but I have also felt like I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. There is a square hole! Who would have thought? There are jobs that NEED someone who is picky about details and can see process and understand policy and loves communication. All these years I was banging my head against a wall trying to be someone I’m not. I feel free to be who I was created to be.

Our family feels a bit more settled this week. Conor is okay with a bottle. Unfortunately we’ve had to supplement with formula because I wasn’t able to pump enough. I’m realizing that I really need to be more assertive and make sure I set aside time to pump 3x a day. Ashlin is Ashlin – full of life and spunk. Gave her a time out the other day and she yelled, “You know better than that! You big bully!” I have few worries about that child getting pushed around. Taryn seems to be adjusting okay to school. She’s rather quiet about it. I’m looking forward to being the one who picks her up tomorrow to see what I can see.

my life - an update.

Here I sit - pumping breastmilk at my desk and trying to type with one hand. I'm getting pretty good at it.
Last week I felt like my iq dropped 30 ponts as I understood very little of what was going on. This week more pieces are coming together. I like the woek, the atmosphere and I hope I end up working here when I graduate.

I did hear from Cindy's contact - just answering machine messages, but she let me know that the teacher had a good rep. Taryn went to K yesterday with 1/3 of the class. Today the whole class will be together. I took off from work to take her - one of the advantages of being placed here is openness to family-friendly scheduling. She seemed happy upon returning home but then her behavior spiralled downward. My take is that she was trying to reconnect with me but she was asking to do so in ways that were incompatible with bfing Conor. Once we had a cuddle time, things were better - although not great. Nervousness at new events, people probably (or, as Ash says, "probalee").

Rob is finding the adjustment to being home almost ft difficult. Things thus feel a bit chaotic. Nonetheless, he filled out the application for me to go to the women's retreat before I could get to it.

Got our student loan which was a big relief.

parenting skills

I told the girls they could watch TV this morning, but they had to agree on a dvd or video. At first they argued back and forth: "I want Barney!" "No!" "I want Tigger!" "No!" and then Taryn got wise. She got out the four disc Looney Tunes pack, carefully spread it open and asked Ashlin which one she wanted. Ashlin chose and they watched happily.

Giving a choice between acceptable alternatives - that's a trick I didn't learn until my 20s. What a smart kid.

Weight loss chronicles

Down another pound. 3 pounds until I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Realized I bought one shirt too big out of habit. When I went to exchange it, I was actually two sizes down.

stressful week

A lot of stress this week. Which is not to imply that it has been a bad week, just a week of change. The role change was almost tangible on Monday night. As I was getting ready for work the next day, Rob started doing some household tasks, and it felt like within a minute we had changed places.
I always find it hard to start a new job. No solid relationships and so much information that everyone else knows that I don't. I keep telling myself I am just as intelligent and skilled as everyone around me, I just need to learn what they've already been able to. Being able to delve into research has been interesting. I even found a math error which confirmed that, yes, I am smart. I will be attending some kind of fancy shmancy gov't announcement this Thursday.
Conor would not take a bottle for much of the first day. When I got home he didn't look like the same baby. He was emotionally drained. I took him with me to my class today. We've been apart enough.
We had the orientation meeting with Taryn's K teacher. We left feeling extremely uncomfortable to the point that I spent the morning trying to find another school for her to attend with no luck. What disturbed us? The classroom was small, messy and chaotic. The bathrooms are away from the class where it would be quite easy for another kid to hurt her without an adult being aware. The place for coats and shoes is on the other side of the school. But what mostly disturbed me was the teacher. She looked haggard, like she was totally stressed out. She made almost no attempt to engage Taryn or welcome her. She did not ask any questions about Taryn. She seemed laisse fare (sp?) about our safety questions, implying that it would be so much trouble if she ever had to check on a kid that seemed to be taking too long in the washroom.
On the up side, I love my new clothes.

Good changes

I figured I would probably not get out for a walk today as Rob is convalescing and I already planned to shop with Cindy in the eve. So I decided to try my Pilates video, which hadn’t been in my VCR for quite some time. I invited the girls to join me. They were so cute, doing all the moves. Taryn even advised me on my form.
The amazing thing was, I did almost the whole thing. The last time I tried that video I got through the first few exercises and that was all I could handle. Since then, I’ve dropped a few pounds and I started walking a little bit more. That’s it. No great changes, but those small changes made a huge difference in my overall capacity.
1 more pound down. When we went shopping I was one size less than I thought I’d be.

The big "V" (and we ain't talking victory, baby)

Warning: the following contains an anatomically correct term. Readers who are Yvonne might want to skip this one.

The time has come. We're done with having kids. Even that admission is hard to make, as I tend to think that if I say I don't want any more kids it somehow reflects negatively on how I feel about the ones I have. But it's the ones we have that prompt the decision, in part: we want to parent them well and not be so totally stressed out that we give them miserable lives.

Plus I never, ever, ever want to go through birth again.

Going on forever on birth control: No. I will not take anything that messes with my hormones. Condoms are inconvenient. Spermicides contribute to bladder infections. Natural family planning, while working for us well up until now, is also out. I'm tired of charting (Yes, I know what you're all thinking - how well does NFP work when 2 of your pregnancies weren't planned? NFP worked as long as we used it. It's when we didn't follow the rules that we conceived).

So what did we do? There was never a doubt who would get "the procedure". Rob had seen both on Discovery or some such channel. Tubal ligation is major surgery, with all the inherent risks. A vasectomy is an in office procedure which takes about as long as a mole removal. He also said that as I have gone through birth 3x, it's his turn.

On Tuesday, Rob had a consultation. He said he walked into the office and saw 4 guys, hunkered down in their chairs, all holding magazines that they were staring at intently, totally motionless. The tension could have been cut with a knife. There's a sign in there that says the doctor has done over 9,000 of these. While I want to say, that's good, he's experienced, I think that could also be taken as a point of caution. Guys tend to want to push the envelope a bit, challenge themselves. What if it's my husband on the table when the doc suddently thinks, Hmm, I wonder if I could do this with my eyes closed?

The receptionist told him they had a cancellation and he could come in Thursday. Thursday?? Okay, we've gotta be really sure about this. Babies are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Birth is terrible, terrible, terrible. Weighing...yep, I'm sure.

The literature given instructs the patient to shave "the area" with a dry razor. I'm reading this and thinking, Dry? I shaved my legs with a dry razor earlier in the summer and had to later coat them in ointment to stop the burning sensation. They want guys to do that to their scrotums? Who is this doctor, some masochistic crazy with a Honduras medical certificate? (Quick, Erica, what Austin Powers quote is appropriate here????)

But he went in. The kids and I went to the park with Cindy and her kids, and every so often I'd look at my watch and think of Rob and at the same time wonder, should I have angst about this? I'm almost having angst about my lack of angst. This is significant! But it's time. And we know it.

He's doing okay. I have pangs of guilt every so often at the discomfort he's going through and then I remember: I went through birth. It was his turn. Now the only thing to do yet is to bring in a sample after 3 months or 20 "times" to make sure there are no little guys getting through. You can guess which one he's gunning for!

CONGRATULATIONS

SHELLEY

AND

DENNIS!

(If I knew how to do it, I'd put in a picture of balloons, streamers, etc.)

I know that most of the reader of this blog do not know who the above two people are, so I'll take a minute here to explain. Shelley is a friend from college, also in social work. She is a great friend, intelligent, thoughtful, warm and kind. I have thought for a long time that she is one of those women who, when I get to know them I think, Isn't there a guy around who sees how wonderful she is? What is wrong with the male population? Why is she single?

But God's timing is good timing. Shelley meets Dennis. Man and woman fall in love. Man asks woman to marry him. Woman says yes.

Rob and I are thrilled for both of you!

The Passion

Rob and I finally saw "The Passion of the Christ". He really wanted to see it and in fact bought it. I wasn't so sure. I don't generally like violent movies and I had certainly heard a lot of mixed reviews. My impression was that people generally liked it depending on whether or not they wanted to like it.

Teh free PRess movie critic didn't seem to like it much. She wrote an article on how she evaluates it being different than those who watch it because of spiritual purposes. She evaluates it as a movie, for plot, effects, etc., others may see it as having beneficial purposes for their spiritual life. I'm not sure the lines are that distinct. Every movie has a purpose, and the purpose of this one was to affect people's spirits. And it affected mine.

The violence was graphic. I can remember many times thinking, "Okay, we got the point already! Enough!" But through it I realized that this too is probably part of the purpose, to recognize that for Jesus, it went on and on, far longer than the 2 hour glimpse that we got. There was no pause button, no fast forward. He just had to endure.

Most of all was a re-realization that he did all this for me, out of love for me, wanting relationship with me. I don't think that has totally hit home, maybe it never will until the other side. After the movie we needed to pray. And we had communion in remembrance of Him.

P.S. I usually have very disturbing dreams after seeing violent movies. But last night I slept in perfect peace.