birthday

I'm now 36. Closer to 40 than 30. Way far away from 20. Spent most of it in an all day meeting with people chasing concepts around in circles. Then came home, made crowns out of manilla folders, aluminum foil and glitter so that Taryn can be a princess in school tomorrow. Then temper tantrums (kids, not mine) and a dirty diaper. Did get to watch TV for awhile, talk to family. I will make one birthday request and ask Rob to let me sleep in tomorrow.

Moolah

Poll:

What do you think I should spend my birthday money on?

something's different

There’s something different going on at our place.
We read our Bibles. We pray, singularly, together. Rob plays worship CDs. I sit down at the keyboard to worship God.
And we’re doing all of these things regularly, daily.
They have moved from being a chore, a distraction that I really should do because I’m a Christian, after all.
Lately I want to do these things. I crave it.
I’m thinking of going to one of those extended worship times late at night. That’s weird.
Two nights ago I started at the keyboard and I didn’t want to stop. I went to bed after midnight when I had to get up at 6:45am.
I feel more balanced. I am more patient, kind. I am less stressed.
I’m almost scared to type this. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want it to stop.

My firstborn

Taryn's teacher asked to speak to me yesterday. That's always a bit of an "oh, no" moment. She had noticed that sometimes Taryn doesn't appear to focus on what she is saying and asked me if that also happens at home. Oh yeah. Pretty much every day. I've wondered if it's just development, or if she is a lot like me. My mind was always caught up in so much thought that it was hard to do things quickly, hard to concentrate on more boring tasks. She seems to have a vivid imagination, too, and finds it hard to depart from her immediate to do and hear something else.

Oh, my daughter. The world likes productivity and is not always kind to those who muse and wander. Yet I know there is value in that way of being - I don't think I would be a songwriter if I didn't just get lost in my mind and emotions sometimes. How do I teach you to adjust and get along to function well in how the world is without losing that precious, beautiful part of you?

the women's retreat

I had a good weekend. Here’s why;
I slept so soundly, and so did Conor. That is really unusual for me when I’m away from home.
I am thoroughly over my need to co-ordinate. While I did find co-ordinating enjoyable (and let’s face it, I’m stinking good at it) my motives weren’t totally altruistic. Co-ordinating let me feel important. And it allowed me to hide – I was too busy to relate well. Now I don’t need to feel important, and I’m comfortable enough not to hide.
Over all, I was just comfortable – I enjoyed being with people, I enjoyed being by myself. I’m not so socially self-conscious anymore. I think blogging, especially the Breathe blog, had a lot to do with that. Being able to connect over the net makes connections in person easier on those rare occasions they occur.

I think God met me there. Even since then, I've been feeling more peaceful, and I've wanted to be with him. I actually managed to read my Bible and pray before I left for work this morning. That's almost unheard of. I think he was talking to me about prioritizing, letting go of the perfect house ideal, focusing on Him, my family, and myself (in a good way). I also feel like He's been telling me to just have faith. For about the last 5 years I have been in a space of a lot of doubting, wondering if this is all true, wondering if I could just be fooling myself. I felt like God was saying that the intellect will never be satisfied, but that I can be satisfied if I just walk out the way in faith.

I played one of my songs. That was...hmmm...hard to describe. I was thinking of this song all weekend - it just fit, in my mind, what God was saying about being close to us. But does thinking about a song mean I should share it? Or is it just for me? Or does it matter? I went back and forth in my mind on Saturday night. The old question: "If I share it, what's the worst that could happen?" Let's see - I could be totally off in my spiritual senses and serve to derail the whole worship atmosphere and thus ruin the night for almost 50 people. That didn't work. What finally convinced me, I'm not sure. I thought that maybe God just likes it when I try. I didn't get much feedback that evening, which caused me to feel like maybe I had just made a total fool of myself. But I did get some more concrete feedback the next day, so I know that it connected with others the way I hoped it would.

opportunity cost

Opportunity cost is an economics term. It is what an individual, or a business, or a government has to give up in order to take another course of action.

This is something we all grapple with day to day, whether or not we realize it. I am choosing to spend a few moments blogging. Therefore I have chosen not to use that time to actually work on my economics course, or read a book to my kids, or many other things. If I choose to spend $20 on a Barbie for my daughter for Christmas, I can't spend that money on Lego.

I was just reading Kim's blog on the Breathe site about moving to a richer part of Kelowna and missing the North End of Winnipeg. No doubt their move was well-planned and has many benefits for them. But it had a cost.

The book I just read, Girl meets God, that I talked about in a previous post was filled with opportunity cost. Her decision to become a Christian cost her, especially in relationships. Her orthodox jewish friends could no longer relate to her in the same way.

Sometimes I struggle with opportunity cost. I want everything, I don't want to pay a price. Maybe I'd find decision making easier if I just embraced the concept and made a choice, accepting that at every crossroads I have so much to gain and so much to lose.

Brilliant exercise insertion followed by migraine today. It comes from carrying stuff (I study on the bus, bring a lunch, breast pump equipment). I should have bought a new backpack this fall but I didn't think it looked professional enough, so I bought a leather-look postman's bag. A backpack would have made migraines less likely. Might get one anyhow.

Recently read an interesting book: Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner. The author writes about her spiritual journey from Reform Judaism to Orthodox Judaism to Christianity. She attends an evangelical episcopalian church now. Her brand of Christianity includes many things that I learned to eschew in my life: icons, litergy, prayer books, confession. They have always struck me as dull and lifeless. Yet she has found life in them. Makes me wonder if there are things I could add to my spiritual existence that would build up my life in Christ. Rob mentioned the other day that he would like to have a crown of thorns, an icon of sorts. I'm thinking about getting the Book of Common Prayer. A Mennonite who goes charismatic and then takes on Anglican characteristics. A Mennomatican.

weight loss chronicles

I stepped on the scale and showed a 3.5 pound gain! Not good. I will keep in mind that I weighed myself at a different time of day than is usual. Still, there is too much food at this office and exercise went to pot when I started work.

Today I got off the bus at city hall and walked the rest of the way. Exactly 20 minutes to my desk and I was still early. So that’s an easy way to fit in exercise, and it’s one time more a week than I was doing in summer.

I'm going to try increasing my protein to see if that helps me not to feel so hungry all the time.

Did he just...no...or....

Another weird thing about me (in case pointed object phobia alone is not enough) - if I hear someone kind of wheezing, I get an almost uncontrollable urge to cough. Rob was wheezing and coughing the other day and I was coughing and we both were laughing (because I have to cough) and then Conor sticks his tongue out and coughs. But it wasn't like a real cough. It was just shallow and weak. It was almost like he was imitating us. At five months? Could that be? He did it a couple more times, too. My son, the genius?

Divorce

I discovered last week that Michelle, a co-worker, has a friend who used to work at "the mound" when I was there. I haven't seen that person for a number of years and was curious where he was at these days. I found out that he has since divorced and remarried. I was shocked. And surprisingly, I felt quite saddened by this. It's not that he was a close friend. We didn't even work in the same area and didn't know each other that well. But he is a Christian and his position there was ministry. I feel especially sad when the people who lead have marriages that fall apart. Do I hold leaders to a higher standard? Yes, I do. Should I? I think some scripture would lean that way.

There may be even more to the sadness I felt. I think I want to know that there is some certainty, that certain people have it together enough to be immune to relationship breakdown. Maybe I feel more secure in my faith the more Christians I know that live seemingly perfect lives.

where have I been?

"You haven't been blogging much. What's happening?" Cindy asked innocently on the phone. And then I replied, rather snarkely, to my friend, whom I love, "What do you think?"

That pretty much sums up how I treat my nearest and dearest when stressed (And I never really did apologize, Cind - sorry. I'm a putz). Rob has been quite sick. He seems to get everything that comes around and gets it bad. Years of being in a smoking household? I don't know. Whatever the case, I don't handle it well when I need to do his stuff and my stuff, too. I got my correspondance courses in the mail and as I'm already a month behind I'm trying to get into the first one. Result: I'm edgy and it shows. Our household barometer is Taryn: when stress rises, she "forgets" to go to the bathroom and "just doesn't quite make it on time."

In my mind, I can tell myself that I need to let some things go, that it will all get done, that how I treat my family and others is more important than tasks. Yet, up up up goes my angst until I blow at someone. The release. Then the guilt. It doesn't seem like there is a way to let the stress out without sinning in some way.

Better now, though. I am trying to make Sunday a real day of rest. Rob's regaining strength. Work is relaxing compared to home.