tears of mystery

I talked briefly with a friend this morning about my discomfort in being places (such as church) where I feel like crying a lot. She suggested I just needed to cry. She's probably right, but it doesn't make me feel more comfortable.

Some tears I can figure out. When I'm thinking about Dad, my tears make sense. God's timing aside, from my perspective he was taken far too soon.

Other tears, like I wrote in a previous blog, just don't make sense to me and so I think they shouldn't be there. But I guess matters of the heart don't always get in line with matters of the mind, and I have to live with both. My choices are hold it in or let it out.

Why does crying feel awkward? I sometimes feel I owe an explanation to whomever happens to ask what the tears are about. Perhaps I can just cry and not feel like I have to explain it. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, and some people are very uncomfortable with crying. But I suppose that's their problem.

Any thoughts on your own emotions, and crying a lot, and becoming comfortable walking through that?

Thoughts on "A Generous Orthodoxy"

Overall, I liked McLaren's book. He comes from a similar background to mine (evangelical) and I feel I went on a similar journey of starting to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of various forms of Christianity. I still know relatively little about Eastern Orthodoxy, and this and other writings have sparked my interest.

The chapter I am still chewing on at the moment is entitled: Why I am Incarnational. Here's some quotes:

"I must add, htough, that I don't believe making disciples must equal making adherents to the Christian religion. It may be advisable in many (not all!) dircumstances to help people become followers of Jesus and remain within their Buddhist, Hindu, or Jewish contexts. This will be hard, you say, and I agree. But frankly, it's not at all easy to be a follower of Jesus in many "Christian" religious contests, either." (p. 293)

"I am more and more convinced that Jesus didn't come merely to start another religion to compete in the marketplace of other religions. If anything, I believe he came to end standard competitive religion (which Paul called "the law") by fulfilling it; I believe he came to open up something beyond religion - a new possibility, a relam a domain, a terittory of the spirity that welcomes everyone but requires everyone (now including members of the Christian religion) to think again and become like little children." (p. 299)

I agree with McLaren when he points out that Christianity has often been confused with cultural baggage that is not inherent to it. But can you really be a Hindu follower of Christ? A Buddhist follower of Christ? At some point I would think that what it means to follow Jesus would run so counter to other beliefs that there would have to be a decision - this road or that. I wonder what people who have come out of Buddhist and Hindu backgrounds would say about the idea of staying in that religious context as Christ-followers.

What do you think?

I went for a pedicure a few days ago (I'll have you know it was advised by an MD to prevent foot pain so, no, it wasn't frivolous - and that's what I've sticking to). Unfortunately I forgot my McLaren book and was forced to read a - gag - fashoin magazine. Because I couldn't actually not read something for an hour and a half.

I was struck by the relationship advice. "Be who you are" is not a phrase you will find in Elle Canada. Rather, women are advised to dress, primp and act according to what will attract men.

My husband bought me a screwdriver today. That has got to be on the list of "gifts not to buy your wife." But contrary to the "Ask Miss Perfect" columns I LOVE it. It's one of those retract-a-bit kinds that he knew I've been wanting forever because I hate messing with lots of screwdrivers or the little itty bits that fall out of the handle.

I also broke a cardinal rule of dating: I called him. Quite out of character for me, really, but the point being is that our relationship hasn't worked because we have stayed true to some generalized set of rules about what women and men are supposed to be and like, it's worked because we've been true to us and each other.

Four religious truths

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians
4. Mennonites do not recognize each other at Hooters

(Thanks to Rick, my BIL)

I meant to go for just one Sunday, and then got sucked into the whirlpool known as Kids' Church. Electives started, making it unfair to Taryn, the teacher and the other kids involved to go ahead with my planned "in and out as I feel like it" approach.

So I have been at church for 3 Sundays now (I won't say "back" because I am still sticking with visitor status for the moment).

I am still finding it hard to resolve the conflictual emotions of being drawn in and at the same time wanting to run away or hide. But hey, conflictual emotions are a start - 7 months ago I only wanted to stay away.

I had a fairly strong realization/HS insight the other day. I was thinking about the kind things that people have said to me (such as missing me) and how I tend to internally be somewhat dimissive (they're just being nice). I felt like an important step for me is believing what people say to me. Looks so basic when I actually type it out, but I'm starting to see how choosing to not believe people sabotages relationship.

hat

I am having a hard time finding a hat that actually fits my head.

My brain must be huge.

Modernist going post-al

I love research. I love to form my opinions based on strong evidence, to read up on topics and discover what various studies have proven (or at least what truth is pointed to).

I don't really fit well in this post-modern age. Objectivity is minimized. Personal experience is what matters.

I've been reading A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren. McLaren embraces uncertainty, finds a middle ground between various takes on Christianity. While I am appreciating many things about the book, it makes me just want to ask, But what's true? Typical modernist.

I find the loosy-goosy nature of the emerging church to be unsettling, mainly because it mirrors my own lack of certainty about pretty much everything. I want to know what to believe - and therein lies part of the struggle that is addressed in the book and in some other wise blogs I've lurked at - Christianity is not a religion about believing but one about living.

So how do I then live? There are many takes on this. Maybe women are supposed to wear headcoverings and be silent. Maybe sex before marriage is no big deal. There is so much room for interpretation, and what could eternal matters be riding on?

I asked God about this, and I think He said to stick with the basics: love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbour as yourself. Still feels a bit too loosy-goosy, but a good starting place, I suppose.

Them new-fangled contraptions

Rob and I are thinking about getting a cell phone. We want it mainly for emergency and urgent needs (e.g. if babysitters need to get a hold of us while we're out, if our parents should need us for a medical emergency, if I get a business call that needs an answer now). I know once we get that little convenience devise in our hands we will use it for other things, I just don't foresee a lot of use - thus we don't want to spend a ton of money.

We hope to start taking vacations, too, so availability while out on the road is rather important (Canada and US).

As we are new to the whole field, I'm wondering if anyone has some advice on what company you have liked, what to consider in a contract, what to look out for, what you think is the best deal - that kind of thing.

new links

Updated the Other blogs I visit section. I won't say I'm a regular reader of any blogs - I find I usually drop in anywhere from every few days to every few weeks and maybe every few months - it depends on a lot of things.

So I included Rob's blog. Rob recently posted on Sasquatch. You get what you pay for. He gets top spot of course.

The other added blogs are further down the list. Brother Maynard, an old college bud who is choosing to use a pseudonym at this point in time for reasons his own blog explains. As someone who is part of the emerging discussion, I find his blog a good place to start from when I'm feeling like purusing through more ideas.

JJ and his fam are currently a happening couple in Japan, although I first met him when he was a hick teenager in my sister and brother's youth group. I find we're thinking about a lot of the same questions.

Mike is my brother-in-law, an avid photographer and communicator - at least on line. I think I know more about him from reading his blog than I have in the 12 years I've known Rob.

Robby Mac is another old college bud whom I reconnected with through WCV, and now I appreciate his emerging church ideas as well.

The Woods are a great family. Becky was my midwife and was at the birth of all of my kids. They have a heart for the poor of the world and are recently coming back to the peg after a year in the Phillipines.

Joy and Derek are a couple I don't know that well, but I'd like to, and I've often found their blog interesting for their thoughts on culture and such. Right now they're a bit consumed with babies and breasts, which is fine, too.

Ken's a bud from our dating days - he saw us a lot in those first giddy months of new love. We lost track and recently reconnected after Ken gained a lot of life experience, shall we say. His blog is raw and honest and I appreciate the search for God in struggles and new joy.

emerging angst

I decided to visit WCV on Sunday. It stemmed from a conversation with a couple of friends. The friends told me that things have changed a lot in the last few months, which caused me to wonder if the changes made it more or less likely that the church and I would be a good fit. Another thing that I noticed during the conversation was that if I talked about the church, I was using the word “we”.

So I got the idea in my mind to visit. I can visit, right? I should feel free to visit.
By Sunday, though, the only reason I went was because I had told the girls we might go and they were so excited I couldn’t bear to disappoint them. In fact, on the way to the church, Taryn asked if kids’ church was every Sunday, and could we go every Sunday. I said I’d have to think about it. Later on, during worship, she whispered to me asking if I would please tell her once I’ve thought about it.

I cried through much of worship. I’m not actually sure why, so don’t ask. As I keep thinking about how I feel I decided I have no reason to feel the way I feel, and so my brain keeps trying to coax my heart over to where it is and my heart says that it’s staying put, thank you very much.

You see, I love many of the people there. There are quite a few people of whom I could say I’d love to know them better. In comparison to so many leadership horror stories I have heard from other people, I trust the hearts of the leadership at WCV.

Theologically – I think all churches that are on the charismatic spectrum tend to steer into questionable theology – WCV is probably one of the ones that does it less so. Then again, I’m in such a state of flux concerning my own beliefs that I don’t know that I could say outright that I disagree or agree with anything. That’s probably part of it – I can’t fully buy into anything right now, so how could I be a part of something when I’m not truly sold on the ideas therein?

What I think my heart is saying is that a church is more than the sum of it’s parts. I can’t imagine feeling like a true part of it. I would love to be a part of it. But I don’t think it is possible.

But I feel guilty. What right do I have to take my children out of a place that they do feel connection with?

The Meeting House

Heard about this church on CBC Radio. I find it especially interesting that it is Brethren. Can one both say that they are not into religion and insist on headcoverings?

I'm up.

Can't sleep.

My mind keeps running over estate matters.

The farm yard is being subdivided and sold as an acreage. That's good. Now there's farmland to contend with and my head is spinning with the money and relational issues at stake.

I just want to get into a bigger house.

I want this all over and done with.

What's that you say?

People are horrible communicators.

One of my latest deliverables is to create a summary paper of a teleconference that happened a couple of months ago. Today and yesterday I have been reviewing and making notes. Keeping in mind that the people involved in the discussion are generally employed as communicators, I can't believe how much they suck at communication.

One of the primary problems is that they don't actually answer the questions asked of them. Far from being confined to politicians, I find this communication foible occurs in all walks of life, including the everyday situations I encounter. One question was very focused: what does your company do in regards to policies around daycare. Most people responded with some answer about the importance of family friendly practices. While related, it does not answer the specific question.

Second is the tendency to just be too abstract. Lots of talk about partnership, but little talk about what that term means and how it is put into place practically.

I've been present at arguments where people are acting vehemently opposed to each other when they are not even arguing about the same topic.

How much of our personal and societal problems are because we don't know how to communicate?

Now you will know my husband's sense of humour

Unless you're easily offended, check out Rotten Robbie's latest entry

I prefer it over "It'll make you go blind."

Money - yech.

Am I crazy? I really, really hate businessy things. In selling the farm, there is a bidding war. That should make me happy, right? I get more inheritance in the end. But I hate it. "Hey, person 1, person 2 offerred $*. Would you like to offer more? You would? Okay! Hey, person 2, person 1 offerred $**, would you like to up your offer? You would? Okay! Hey, person 1..." And so on. My sister and I were ready to accept the first offer, which would have been stupid, really, but I hate feeling like I'm greedy or something. But they want the place and they are willing to dicker it out. Now a 3rd party's in. "Hey, person 3, want to spend $***? All right!" The executor handles most of the actual talking to the parties, but I still hate it. No matter what, someone's going to be disappointed.