Growing kids

I know it's cliche and obvious to talk about how fast kids are growing up, yet I still am amazed at the process of development.

Conor surprised me one day. He is much more into books these days, and when the girls picked out a find-the-object-in-the-picture book he settled right down in my lap to look with us. Can you find 2 socks? Can you find 3 dolls? Then I realized that what I thought were his random swipes at the pages towards what he thought was interesting were not random at all but that he was getting the pictures right. So the next day I tried a page all by himself. He knew what a motorcycle was. He knew what a robot was. I don't remember me or anyone ever talking to him about these things, but he pointed them out quite quickly. I have heard so often that more learning is caught than taught but to have such an obvious example before my eyes really drove the point home.

Taryn is amazing. She asked to have her ears pierced and we agreed, although I was somewhat anticipating a last minute change of mind. She was so poised, so quiet, so cooperative. Not a sound when they went in or for the next five minutes. The clerks were amazed. "Are you okay?" Taryn nods calmly. "Do you like them?" Taryn nods calmly. "Is she always this quiet?" they ask me.

Last night, when we were watching a movie, she talked about the movie in ways that revealed she understood some of the dynamics that wouldn't have been clear to her a year ago. A few weeks ago her teacher described to me how good she has been for a troubled boy in her class when she sits beside him because she helps him to focus. And yesterday when I dropped her off she asked a TA for a down-syndrome boy in her class if she could be the boy's buddy today. I am just so freaking proud of what a kind, brave and sensitive person she is and is becoming even more.

Ashlin is entering a difficult phase, one that I remember clearly that Taryn had to navigate through. Terrible 2s are nothing, even Throttle-em 3s are okay. Finnicky 4s is the time of life that wears on me.

notes from today

• How sad is it that I'm sore today from doing the chicken dance with my kids yesterday?
• Another thing I just never thought I'd hear myself say in everyday conversation: "Bunnies aren't usually part of a nativity scene."
• I'm now a board secretary. Wouldn't that just kill the biblical feminist 20 year old I used to be?

reply to Stacy

Hi Stacy - thanks for dropping by and replying. Hope you come back. Because I have a long reply to your comment, I decided to post it as a new post (comments are a limited size).

I have to agree that they do seem happy. But happiness can also be faked. I recently observed my mother who, after spewing venom at me for 2 days, walked into her doctor's office and totally change personality. A nurse told my sister and me that our mother was "such a sweet lady." No one who knows her well has ever described her that way. But even very unhappy people can pull it together when they want to - e.g. when cameras are on. They may be very happy, but one certainly can't determine that from one hour of selected footage.

Can the same be said of me and my parents? Absolutely not. I grew up fairly miserable. Trying to change things with my own kids. One of the reasons hubby had a vasectomy after our 3rd child was so that we would be able to care properly for the kids we have and not be stressed out by more.

How can I say they don’t know their children when they do everything together with their children? I used to work with children and youth in a group home setting – 6 to 8 kids living in a house with rotating staff. While there, the adults’ focus was totally on the kids’ needs. In fact, overnight staff took care of things like laundry and meal prep so that day staff could focus on the kids. Even with all that, it was very hard to know the children and to find significant time for each one individually. While these were damaged kids, and the Duggar’s kids are probably reasonably healthy, it still translates into spreading oneself very thin and into kids getting their needs met by other kids rather than by parents. Kids helping other kids is healthy to a point. When kids are parenting, they are out of their league.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. Like Jim Bob Duggar, I am self employed. I have a home office and a lot of control over my own schedule. Like Michelle Duggar, my hubby is a stay at home parent (although we do not home school as it was not the right decision for us). It is in that context - 3 kids, lots of time spent with our kids, and often still feeling like our kids don’t get enough attention in our efforts to get tasks done – that it is hard to envision a family with 16 kids having enough of parents to go around in light of all that has to be done.

I have looked for things to learn – I like the way they organize to make things work, and as I noted above I’ve re-thought how to encourage appropriate responsibility in children. I honestly don’t feel like I judged them. My comment about house church people being freaks was a joke in that both I and Cindy have been part of a house church and are looking to possibly create another. But if you do not know me and are not a regular reader, you could not know that so of course it must have seemed like a judgmental comment. I have weighed in on their decision to have 16 kids so close together. To me, discussing the wisdom of decisions is not judgment, but part of being a thinking person. The Bible has plenty of commentary on the decisions that people make, sometimes in the realm of morality and sometimes in the realm of wisdom. So while I take seriously the exhortation to not judge, I don’t see this discussion as judgment.

Ya have 16 kids and whaddaya get?

Anyone catch TLC's 14 Children (and one on the way)? It's about the Duggar family, who now have 16 children. They've become quite the celebrities. They are Christians (very conservative - girls always wear baggy dresses and have long hair, home-schooled, no TV or internet) and just came to believe that if children are a blessing then you shouldn't mess with procreation.

I found the story somewhat discouraging (sometimes it seems we can barely handle 3 and they are handling 16) and inspiring (maybe there is hope for us handling 3 if other people can handle 16). As they work together a lot and rely on the kids to help each other, it made me rethink how much responsibility we give to our kids and wonder if it would be good for them to handle more.

Other thoughts:

They wear really modest (read old-fashioned) clothes because they want to draw attention to their countenance (faces). Yet I constantly found myself staring at their clothes and thinking, "That's just horrible." Maybe I'm shallow.

I took heart in the fact that our kids are probably eating more healthfully than theirs as they rely on a lot of processed foods.

The internet has a lot of discussion going on about this family. I find it interesting that while society talks about tolerance, it finds true difference to be disturbing (e.g. they are called cultish and it is presumed that their kids will never relate to the "real world").

Since they view God's design is best, I do wonder if they've considered breastfeeding as God's food is best, too. I doubt they could have 16 kids in 18 years if the kids were being breastfed as long as they need it (right now I'm sure someone is thinking You can ovulate while breastfeeding and while that is true - c'mon, 16 kids in 18 years if you breastfed all of them? I think not. There's mega formula going on here.)

I just through my emails. Things were a little too much in full swing while I was gone. All of a sudden I have 3 focus groups to facilitate and guess what Jude didn't work on while she was in Sask. AAAAH!

Hello, Peeps

I found no unsecured networks to tap into while I was away, so I was missing you all while gone. I am back. I maintained sanity, although not always composure. One high point was meeting somebody new who, when she heard I was a self-employed social worker, asked, "How does that work?" and I said, "I just go around and take people's kids away." (Yes, I did then tell her what I really do for a living.)

The best thing about this trip is that I was with my sister. We noted that while other families seem to enter into a lot of conflict when dealing with an estate, the only time we've ever actually disagreed is when we were discussing how we would handle it when we disagreed. Lots of laughter, which was needed to deal with the constant stress.

Despite my best intentions I did end up hitting the breaking point with Mom and got very angry with her. When I expressed my disappointment in myself to Rob, he said, "You mean you're human?" And he has a point. My mom was at us the entire time. The first day it was that we wouldn't drink coffee that had been sitting on a hot plate for around 6 hours. That theme was revisited time and time again, how we wouldn't drink the coffee and developing reasons we wouldn't drink the coffee (apparently it's because we hate her). I tried, I tried SO hard to maintain patience, to remind myself that she has a disorder, to do my utmost to be a good daughter. But being constantly accused of various things and treated rudely is very wearing, especially when I'm away from my family busting my butt for her doing things like lifting 44 pound bags of water softener salt. So, eventually I had it and told her that she was being rude, that there is absolutely no one in my life that treats me worse than she does. All true. Should I feel guilty? I didn't insult. I did say, in a nutshell, "I've had enough, I don't deserve this."

She does not have the logical thinking to compute this anyways. She just turns it around that she's being persecuted. But at least while she's feeling sorry for herself she stops ragging on us for awhile.

As for getting things done, I said we were going to:

• try to sell the farm – didn’t happen yet but negotiations are going well
• take care of taxes for the estate – done in one 4.5 hour meeting after 4 hours sleep
• take my mom shopping for everything she needs – done and my back is still punishing me for it
• sell off a bunch of items without getting her all riled up – no, but progress was made
• get her on anti-anxiety meds – there’s a long story. We had a private meeting with her doctor, who is totally on the same page as us, and did prescribe her some meds, is willing to order home care to help with compliance. But the meds seem to make her sick, so changes are in order. And we really don’t think any meds will help much, but we have to go through the “try everything to keep her in the community” route before we can hope to get her into assisted living.

We also packed up and gave away all my dad’s clothing. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without Sharon there, at least not as emotionally unscathed as I did. Some stuff you just gotta do with someone else.

The other thing that made the trip bearable: Waldheim now has a really good coffee shop.

An Apology...

Hey Yvonne,

RE: what is by now ancient history

Recent events have given me pause to re-evaluate views on communication etc. It seems you’re not the only person I’m coming across in my travels to have understandably been offended or have taken me the wrong way. As I have been looking back over the years, this is becoming clearer to me, as I remember this or that.

Let me take the opportunity to apologise, clarify and say for the record that I don’t qualify anyone as a moron. While my somewhat passionate email was not really directed at you per se, as I may have said earlier, you did write expressing some rancour, understandably, which is why I write to you now.

No, I don’t really wish rehash either as I too feel the topic has long been exhausted, but the Commander in Chief requires us to keep things smooth, if I wish my Sonship to have any practical value. I’ll try to keep it short and painless.

My motives…

I don’t come from a healthy family, and church was not a part of our lives. While I can see God working here or there, what I have observed over the years is a backing away from God and Church based partly but strongly on the foibles and stumblings of Christians, myself among them.

Ergo, when I see or at least perceive, and again not from yourself per se, some folks in the blog and in the church universal implying that some terrible evil may at least potentially occur should we partake in a spiritually inert activity like collecting candy and dressing up…

I know people, and I can think of several off the top of my head, who have witnessed this and things like it done in the church (I speak of the whole church), and feel that they must leave their brain at the door when it comes to God and Church. I have seen more times than I can recall, members of my family shaking their heads and closing their hearts when they see these kinds of things.

What didn’t get through in my humour was my concern and caution that all of us in the church need very much to make certain that we don’t turn folks away by what we do or don’t do…to make certain that whatever it is we practise or don’t practice is seen to be done based in facts and script and in the good sense that God gave us, rather than ideas and info we may not necessarily have taken the time to make certain is true and fact based. I can tell you, I’m guilty of this mistake as much as anyone and I see whom it has cost, and it hurts.

It was not my intention to cut anyone, and I apologise if I have caused offence, one and all. Sometimes having a sense of humour like mine is like being shackled to a madman...

You’ll find this email posted on Jude’s blog, for what it’s worth.

TTFN

Rotten Robbie

Away

Tomorrow I leave for Saskatchewan for a few days. My sister and I are going to try to sell the farm, take care of taxes for the estate, take my mome shopping for everything she needs, sell off a bunch of items without getting her all riled up, and get her on anti-anxiety meds. That's all.

Poor Rob has to handle everything in my absence. We have gotten quite spoiled in us both being home the majority of the time. Keep us in your prayers as we'll both be pretty stressed this week.

Journey, part 2

One other thing. This reading has been on my mind for months and I shared it on two different occasions just yesterday. It has had a huge impact on where I think God is leading me right now.

From Adrian Plass's When You Walk

God with us

Matthew 7:21-23 (NIV)

'Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does [he will of my Father . Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and... drive out demons and perform many miracles?" Then I will tell them... "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"'

A few years ago Bridget and [ met a lady whose husband had recent­ly died after contracting one of those appalling diseases that cause almost total physical helplessness. Mary and Chris (not their real names) had enjoyed a very happy marriage and were devastated. Quite apart from the dread of death, there was the fact that every­day living was now very hard work for Mary, and terribly frustrating for Chris. Two things happened towards the end of Chris' life that have some bearing on today's passage.

First, Chris was taken by a well-meaning friend, in his wheelchair, to a local healing meeting. When he was returned later that evening Mary was horrified to discover that both of his knees were grazed and bleeding. The distraught friend explained that the 'healers' had lifted Chris out of his wheelchair two or three times, and after pray­ing loudly for his healing on each occasion, had dropped him onto his knees, telling him that he was now able to walk. It was an unimaginably awful experience on every level.

The second thing was the arrival on the doorstep one day of another Christian friend, whom 1 shall call Eileen, to announce qui­etly that the Holy Spirit had sent her to help look after Chris for as long as was necessary. Eileen was married and had a family herself, but from that day she was as good as her word. The burden of work was halved, and Chris could stop worrying about his wife wearing herself out. Mary was even able to take a brief holiday.

After Chris' death Eileen continued to support Mary, and was in fact with her when we met at a holiday house-party in Devon.

"Not long after Chris died,' Mary told us, 'my son, Martin, said to me one day, "Mummy, wasn't it good how Auntie Eileen came to be God for us that day?'"

It was indeed good that a true follower of Jesus had heard a com­mand and obeyed it. It was the tougher, more committed way, but it was what God wanted, and that's the point. Of course God does heal in miraculous ways, but if a desire for spiritual gymnastics over­comes the rule of love and obedience—we'd better watch out.

Prayer

Bind us to your will, Lord. Keep our eyes and ears on you.

I wonder sometimes if the time we spend doing things "for God" are things we do simply because they are a whole lot easier than doing what God really wants - to love people in all the messiness of life. Maybe God doesn't heal people as much as we'd like to see - physically and emotionally - because the healing is supposed to come from us - in our presence, our words, our touch, our actions, but most importantly, our time. Instead of prayer for inner emotional healing, maybe a lot of people need about 2 dozen other people who will love them unconditionally over 3 years in order to see the healing that we'd much rather see God perform instantly with someone rolling on the ground in tears. I'm not denying that God can do miracles. But I don't see a lot of them happening and I've stopped believing we just have to press in more and have more faith. I think God wants to change us more than our conditions. The purpose of fire is holiness, not hyperness.

I John 4:
11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

The journey thus far

One hears a lot about "the journey" among emerging church types (sure, I'll consider myself one for now) and a couple of people have asked to keep them informed how "the journey" is going. While I have no idea if those same people ever read my blog, I'll still tell anyone who's interested.
For the benefit of any new readers (there might be some!) we decided to leave our church a few months ago and are now churchless (in the sense of considering ourselves as belonging to a certain local body with a name, a place and a Canada Revenue Service charitable status number). This might not seem like a big deal to some, but to this Menno-raised babe who has always belonged to a church of some sort it was a fairly significant step, but not one without purpose.

Shortly after we left, I got my thoughts down in Word. Here's what I wrote:

VISION FOR WHAT CHURCH CAN BE

Community

Time for community

We don’t fill our times with lots of meetings and things to attend

Time we do spend together is meant to facilitate relationship

Less time in meetings frees more time for spontaneous relationship

Format that promotes community

What we do when we meet together helps relationships: lots of face to face interaction

Time to hear from each person about their lives

Family-friendly community

We don’t have lots of meetings and things to attend that involve parents having to leave their children behind

There is less importance placed on splitting age groups – relationships between ages and generations is highly valued

Giving to the larger community

New programs and ministries are not created by the church.

People are encouraged to give their time and effort to what is already happening in their communities

Rather than bringing people to church, we send people into the world to be Jesus’ hands and feet

Reality

Reality is valued – we don’t have to pretend we are more spiritual than we are

People can doubt

People can question

People can disagree

People can be unsure

Celebration and Support

We rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep

We gain support to be Jesus in the world

Church should reflect Hebrews 10:24-25: And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together…but let us encourage one another…

Most of those things are about function. Form has been harder to define. Cindy and Doug have taken a similar leap and being friends we feel like we're in this together, but without a lot of idea of what that means. December and January were difficult months for me and I ended up feeling like I don't have emotional energy to put into anything right now.

But I'm not too worried about form, because I like what is happening with function. I get together with people (walks, coffee - well, okay beer for some, not me, ick, gross - phone calls, book night) maybe not as frequently as I'd like, but more often than has been true in recent history. And when I am with people who love Jesus, it is very much the type of thing I've written about above - and if that isn't church, what is?

I think I might be finally at the place where not going to a weekly service does not bother me anymore. To quote an old college bud: "Jesus’ mission was not to get more people to attend weekly temple meetings. How, by following his example, did this become the mission of the church?"

Not to say I am against a form. I still remember vivid dreams I had about a year ago that left the impression that our house (not this one as anyone who has stopped by our barely bigger than a refrigerator box hovel will realize) will be a place where people will worship and be connected to community. I do think that the form will come as I'm pursuing function.

and

There is nothing terribly significant about this comic. I just really like the image of the baby shark picking his nose in frame 3.

marriage

It has occurred to me that the people most likely to insist on the word obey in the marriage vows and stick to a traditional interpretation of "head" are the most likely to either 1) disregard it in general life or 2) have huge problems navigating those waters.