Did you know I'm nasty and judgmental?

I finally did it. I advocated so hard for kids that a CFS worker kicked me out of their lives. The foster parents are fuming and complaining so we have yet to see how this one works out.

The reason given were concerns about my communications. No clarity on what these concerns are. My supervison talked to her supervisor and her supervisor used words like "inappropriate", "nasty", and "judgmental", but not exactly how she thought my faxes or letters deserved these terms.

Make no mistake - I was challenging. I wrote clearly about my concerns about the decisions that were being made about these children, citing how they were being affected, my belief in what children deserve and backing it up with the law that supports my viewpoint. But I was reasonable, I did not name call or criticize the person, but questioned the decisions.

This worker is well-known by various people in the system, some of whom we respect and have relationship with. Rumour has it that most of the people in her own workplace have difficulty working with her, and people in another organization have told me things like, "I just can't work with her," that she seems to have mental health concerns that interfere with her ability to do her job and that "her supervisor is just as much of a wing-nut as she is."

Nonetheless, I can hear that my supervisor is quite concerned. I can understand it from her perspective - she does not want the reputation of the program to suffer. However, she said she read my communications and that they have "tone". This greatly bothered me the day she said it. Then I realized I'm not exactly sure what she means by "tone", so I need to clarify that. However, I would be very hesitant to accept critique based on "tone". I think if what is meant by tone is that I sounded angry, I would say I was angry, and justifiably so - children are being emotionally harmed by her decisions. However, I feel I did a bang-up job of keeping my anger in check and focusing on the issues. I should also mention that other people who have read my communications have approved and thought they were appropriate.

My gut reaction says that the worker is simply ticked off that anyone dares to challenge her at all, and that this is retribution. I have tried to talk to her on the phone about certain things, and she refuses to engage in discussion. She likes to tell people what she wants and then just expects obedience. If the stakes weren't so high for these children, I wouldn't have even bothered to challenge her.

There's a part of me, and maybe it's not even me, that is whispering that this is part of something bigger - issues that need to be addressed. It is painful that these issues are coming up, but it might be that my being unjustly accused will lead to matters of much greater importance - the well-being of children - being discussed and dealt with - finally.

In the meantime, I wish I could get rid of the sinking feeling in my stomach.

Sunday searching

My internal response to the previous post comments, despite the fact that I was asking for advice, was to internally start to argue with all of them, which says nothing about the comments and commenters and much about myself. I'm not sure what I was hoping for - perhaps a way to get past my daughters' request without pain to any of us.

I decided together with the kids (and no, we don't do it as a family as Rob doesn't want to be any part of an institutional church) that we would try out some churches and see if something fits. First Sunday we just went to the closest church that I knew of (besides the JWs) which was an EMC church that had very few young families, I soon found out. There were 7 kids in a Gr. 1-6 Sunday School class, mine included. I felt obligated to stay for the main service after that. This is not a format the kids are used to as their old church had the kid's time during the sermon. It was a bit disastrous and Ashlin was angry with me for staying. And I got nothing out of it. The sermon was on fasting - gee, never heard that before - and I had no ability to focus on it. On that Sunday we decided we wanted to concentrate on churches that has the kid's part during the adult part.

That evening a friend and I went to a different place, an Anglican church that is pastored by someone I used to work with. I'd heard quite a lot about it from a number of people, that it was a blending of classic litergy with fresh music and sermons that are real. Conor, who had slept through that morning, insisted on coming with me, and handled it okay. I really liked it. It was simple and it was beautiful, and it was the most meaningful thing I'd encountered in a long time. The kids would hate it. The priest (I think that's the correct term) said that a lot of people consider it their second church because their kids need/want something else.

So the next Sunday we went to a church a bit further away that we knew about. It tries hard to be very modern - worship band, coffee shop in the foyer, lots of technical and decorative touches. I have no idea what denomination, if any, it is. It is very popular, having three services. The kids liked it, and I realized I could go there for years without anyone knowing who I am. So we went again last Sunday. The best possible solution: the kids get what they want, and while I might be bored, I will not be hurt.