Good stuff happening

1. My health.

I think at some point I declared that I wanted to lose 10 pounds this summer. That didn't happen. I'm probably down about 3 pounds though and at least that's in the right direction. I think I slacked a bit in my eating habits; next month the task is to get a handle on my food intake again and continue to exercise.

I went out clothes shopping last week and I got jeans in a regular size! That's right - I didn't have to go over to the plus side of the store. I may soon be able to leave Addition Elle as just a distant large-floral-patterned memory.

I also tried Pilates again last week and go through the entire Pilates for Dummies tape. That was a first, and no ill effects in the headache department.

When I jog/walk, I can now jog about 1/3 of the total distance over a half hour.

2. My job
I had a meeting with a potential client this week. A lot of contract work comes word of mouth but this org advertised in the Free Press. She told me my resume really stood out and was impressive, and I got the distinct impression that although she was going to be meeting with other potentials, she really wanted to hire me and was just going through the motions. Then later by phone and then email, two more people I worked with on contract laid on the praise for the work I'd done lately. I'm not going to get a swelled head about it all - suffice it to say it is very satisfying to feel appreciated.

At this moment, I have some definite work lined up for the fall and some very hopeful stuff. In fact, if everything comes to pass where people have shown interest, I might have to subcontract some out. In fact, I will be in need of someone who is fluent in French to help with one project (curse the school that only ever offered German classes).

3. My family
In general, I'm just enjoying my family more. When I go out with my kids, it seems more fun and less of a chore. Rob and I are in a really good space. I think I'm nagging a bit less, too.

4. My "community"
I've been making more effort to build community in small ways, ways that I can. And I'm starting to feel like I am a part of something bigger than myself.

Is all perfect? No. It's just really, really neat to see progress.

When a problem's not a problem

As part of an FASD prevention PP I'm working on I've been looking up a lot of things on unplanned pregnancy. This can be quite depressing as it inevitably leads to many, many sites that are pro-abortion. What I really noticed, though, is that the solution is always the same, revolving around contraception: more access, more education, more consistent usage.

They seem oblivious to the fact that an unplanned pregnancy does not HAVE to be a problem. 2 out of my 3 pregnancies were unplanned. While the timing wasn't ideal, when is the timing for a child ever ideal? If people are ready to welcome a child into the world even if not planned, an unplanned pregnancy is not a problem.

Alternatives could be to engage in education that emphasizes the reality: Most women will probably have an unplanned pregnancy.The nature of sexuality practically guarantees it. Approximately half of all pregnancies are unplanned. While you can't necessarily control all things in your life, you can ensure that when you do become pregnant, unplanned or not, it is not a problem because you can be ready for it. You can do this by only having sex when you're ready for the consequences, whatever they might be.

Here's another idea - anything that encourages sex outside of marriage, be it movies, tv shows, magazines or books, should have a 100% tax on it with the proceeds going directly to support children who are born into single-parent families. Corporations should pay for their negative influences. I know, it'll never happen. What a silly idea after all, getting anyone to take responsibility for their actions and their influence. Better we all just keep our heads in the sand and deny and shift the blame.

But Not the Hippopotamus

I was reading this book to Conor tonight:

But Not the Hippopotamus
By Sandra Boynton

A hog and a frog do a dance in the bog
But not the hippopotamus

A cat and two rats are trying on hats
But not the hippopotamus

A moose and a goose together have juice
But not the hippopotamus

A bear and a hare have been to a fair
But not the hippopotamus

Now the hog and the frog hurry out for a jog
With the cat and the rats in their new running hats
While the moose and the bear and the goose and the hare
Are doing their best to keep up to the rest
But not the hippopotamus

Then the animal pack comes scurrying back
Saying, "Hey, come join the lot of us!"
And she just doesn't know
Should she stay, should she go?
But YES the hippopotamus

But not the armadillo

Why am I writing this out, you may ask?

Because as I was reading this tonight, it occurred to me that I identify a lot with the hippopotamus, and I really appreciate the friends in my life who come scurrying back (Cindy, Mercy, Loraleigh and Shelley immediately pop into mind, although I know there are others).

So, thanks.

More movies I feel like commenting on

Clerks
I loved the idea of this movie: seeing what life is like for 2 clerks, one in a convenience store and one in a video rental shop. That is all I loved. We switched it off after about 15 minutes. Life is too short to spend my time on that crap.

The Matador
I've never seen anything like The Matador, and it's rather cool to see a movie that is not same-old. Pierce Brosnan plays a hitman who gets to know a businessman played by Greg Kinnear while both are in Mexico City. The two are both in the midst of crises which propels their unlikely friendship. Acting is solid, and although the premise is still rather unrealistic it's forgivable. It's a rental movie, not a buy-it movie.

So tell me - what movies have you seen lately (especially if they're video-on-demand as I can't be bothered to go to a rental place anymore) and did you like them and why?

More about alcohol in pregnancy

I've started reading a book on FASD a couple of days ago called Damaged Angels. The author, Bonnie Buxton, has a wonderful way of mixing experience and story with research and information.

Interestingly enough, this adds to the discussion below. She lists some research done that shows there may be evidence that the unborn are influenced negatively by even small amounts of alcohol, at about the level the Danish guy said is probably okay. While the damage would not be called FASD, some intelligence and behaviour differences were noted between children whose mothers abstained and children whose mothers drank a little. More food for thought. Yes, if you drink small amounts your child may not get FASD, but she might not be all she could have been (very much what Cindy was questioning).

Old friend

I met up with an old roommate today. I was quite surprised as she lives on the other side of the world now. We had a quick conversation in Superstore and then went on our ways. I find myself kind of bothered by the thoughts I’m having since. Or maybe it’s just the large coffee from Timmy’s because I’m not used to caffeine anymore.

I’m bothered because of how she’s changed. She was fun to live with. Kind of serious and contemplative, but she had this fun and goofy side and we laughed lots. Then she got to know these people from church who are kind of on the Christian fringe. I mean, the church we were both going to then was full of a lot of the stuff that I wrote about below on the “what I distrust in the church” entry. These people didn’t really even fit in there because they were just all the more so.

She went off across the ocean to be part of a ministry that they were also a part of. Then she felt like God told her to marry the guy at the head of the ministry, a widower whose children were closer to her in age than he was. Their wedding seemed to be more about the ministry than celebrating their marriage. She looked nervous, and she didn’t look that happy. I wondered how well they even knew each other as the time they had together was limited because of how that would look. She would talk of admiration for what he did and that she felt like this was of God, but I didn’t get the sense that she was in love.

Now, she’s very involved in the ministry, they have 2 children and she seems so grown-up and super-spiritual. I wonder where the fun part of her is, though. That was the most life-giving thing about her, and I feel like she sacrificed it on the alter of mission. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she’s happy and those now closer to her see that more bubbly side to her.

I hope I’m wrong.

The Danish take on alcohol in pregnancy

Came across an interesting article on alcohol and pregnancy:

Alcohol in pregnancy – The revised Danish National Board of Health-recommendation
Some years ago the Danish National Board of Health (NBH) commissioned Dr. Ulrik Kesmodel, Research Unit of Infant Epidemiology,Skejby Sygehus, Denmark, to perform a review of more than 300 recent studies on alcohol-related birth defects. In his 1999-report on alcohol and pregnancy (7) Dr. Kesmodel concluded: 1)The consumption of 1-2 drinks per week is withour any danger to the foetus. 2)There is some uncertaincy about the effects of 3-6 drinks per week. 3)The intake of "7 drinks per week causes a risk of abortion and reduced birth weight and birth length.
Having considered the 1999-report the Danish NBH decided to change the official recommendation and pregnant women in Demark are now given the following advice and information about drinking alcohol during pregnancy:

Avoid alcohol in pregnancy if possible.
If you drink, drink no more than one drink (12 gms of alcohol) per day.
Do not drink every day.

"What is the evidence", Kesmodel asked, "that the consumption of a few drinks per month or even per week as opposed to daily intake, may be harmful in pregnancy? If there is no consistent data to suggest that an occasional drink is harmful, it is possible that a large proportion of pregnant women and health personnel will not be convinced by repeated statements that total abstinence is necessary during pregnancy. If the only official recommendation is not to drink, then these women are not told that there is a limit, nor approximately what that limit is. So we need to ask the question: Where is the limit? Reaching a consensus on this would allow us to standardize information for these women (6)."

I realize I'm being controversial here, but I see some advantages to the Danish recommendations. While there is no known safe level, anyone who counsels women who say "I had a glass of wine before I knew!" will always tell her, chances are everything will be fine.

There is some evidence, too, that the "no alcohol" message is sounding very hollow to some women who say that they drank with a previous pregnancy or know someone who drank during a previous pregnancy and the baby turned out fine. They then go on to drink as much as they please because it seems like the powers that be are lying to them or sadly mistaken. Somehow we have to acknowledge the unknown aspects and subtleties of the situation and counsel women about what we don't know in addition to what we do.

Lost in translation

Went to BJ Super Toys to give the kids a treat the other day.
This is from the package from Conor's truck:















I'd be very happy to band my eyes on the mini racing if someone could please tell me how to do that.

Movie reviews

Robbie and I love our movies. Haven't been to a theatre in a long, long time. For the price of 1st run tickets plus snackies we can buy a DVD, which we usually do, or go with Video on Demand if we suspect it's a once only (also haven't been to Blockbuster in years).

Anywho, here's my 2 cents worth on what we've seen lately.

Napolean Dynamite
I was hoping for a movie that would cause a need-to-hit-the-pause-button-to-finish-laughing-moment at least once, and we got that. I liked it, but I didn't love it, although I suspect it will seem even funnier the next times we see it. Robbie claims not to like it as much, but then does perfect Napoleon impressions for the next 2 days.

The World's Fastest Indian
Very interesting flick - based on a true story of a New Zealander who wanted to break the land-speed record and came to the United States with his motorcycle to try. I liked it because it didn't have a typical Hollywood feel. Rather than single man rages against an entire world against him, it was a story that showed realistic set-backs and how one man makes it with the help of many others. I found I kept bracing myself for the usual everything falls apart plot line, but I suspect they stayed fairly true to the real story. This one I recommend.

The Lord of the Rings - all 3 movie extended DVDs
We worked our way (Rob for the 2nd time, me for the 1st) through all the extended DVDs, including all the bonus material. The bonus material gave me the information I needed to help me appreciate the artistry of the movie in all its forms. And the extended story was great, much better than what appeared in theatres. I loved it, I might even read the books again.

Office Space
The trailer looked like it had potential, a movie with a Dilbert feel, but it started falling down after the first 20 minutes. Some laugh out loud moments, interesting characters, but quite predictable. It was okay. Glad we didn't buy it.

I noticed this quote on the blog of Emerging Grace:

In my opinion, the purpose of a church community is to support individuals in the accomplishment of their life mission rather than to draw them in for the purpose of accomplishing the mission of the organization.

I'm pondering this one. My first thought is "Yes!" because I have been feeling like too often the church pushes people to be part of it's programs and structures without recognizing what people's work outside of those programs and structures does to promote the kingdom of God. My favorite example is do we value someone becoming a little league coach as much as we value someone becoming a Sunday school teacher?

But I think I differ from EG in that I see that our life mission is the mission of the organization, they are the same: to bring the Kingdom of God. What could differ is not so much the mission as the strategies. A military analogy: while the army, the navy and the air force have the same mission in war, they carry out that mission in different ways. A social service analogy: Education, Health and Child and Family Services all aim to improve the lives of people in our society, but they focus on different areas which sometimes overlap, in accomplishing that goal.

Within the church, we all have the same mission. However, each individual might have a different strategy in that mission. Is a local church to be a place that has a certain strategy, and our task is to define that strategy and gather others around to carry it out? Or can a local church be a place of gathering for individuals, each of whom has a different strategies of promoting the Kingdom, and we are a place that nurtures individuals. Is the church a grower of individuals or a grower of strategies? Or both?

Churching

Robbie posted about his thoughts on church. Over the years that he has not been inclined to attend I occasionally get questioned about they whys. Thing is, it's not my story to tell. And I've found it interesting that very few people have ever asked him. Lots of people leave churches and people wonder and no one asks. What is this? Fear? Of what?

So, Love, I'm glad you are telling your own thoughts on the matter, and I'll be as interested as you to see how your post strikes people.

Of grief and comfort

While I wouldn't say there is an upside of losing my father, there is one advantage it has given me - I feel like I have a better perspective on what to do when someone I care about is in mourning, having now been through it myself. My friend Colleen lost her dad this week, and I find myself thinking about her lots, praying, and also figuring out what I can do practically. Thought I'd write about some of what I've learned from my own journey through grief, because sooner or later, we all will be either the grievers or the comforters - we might as well learn to do both well.

There is a part of me that feels stupid asking, "How are you?" because isn't it obvious? But it's not. In my own grief, there were times I felt angry, times I felt peaceful, times I felt numb, times I felt like things were under control. Besides, it's the standard way to start almost any conversation in society, and grieving people know that it's a way to connect. It's not so important how you start a conversation so much that you do start it.

I can't say anything to make someone feel better. All I can do is keep them from feeling even worse, because isolation added to grief is truly awful. I can ask questions and I can listen. Comforter's ears are way more important than their mouths. I needed to tell people about my Dad's passing, what happened, whatwas going to happen. I suspect other grieving people need that, too. I find I've lost the fear of saying the wrong thing - grieving people are sad, they're not fragile. Even if I say something incredibly stupid, most of the people I know will either tell me off in love or just understand the heart that it comes from. I don't recall any topic being off limits. And believe it or not, there can be a lot of laughter in the process, too.

Another friend has told me about feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the visitors after her dad died. Sometimes it may not be the contact in that first week or two that will be appreciated so much as checking in with them after the initial funeral fuss dies down and they drop off the radar for a lot of others. When in doubt, ask - could you use a visit now?

There are practical needs at the time of a death, and for me it's important to figure out what I can do - and it's also important to me to figure out what is too much so that I don't become paralyzed in my response. A few months ago the MIL of a different friend died, and because that friend lives a good hour and a half away, my support was limited to phone calls, but I did make sure I called her, and I also helped her let other support people know what had happened. When someone is closer, there can be many helpful things. When my dad died, I know that many people (probably in that case, too many) brought baking, another couple brought lunch for the whole extended family, many people volunteered to serve at the luncheon following the funeral, one friend simply took all of the grandchildren (sans Conor, who was breastfeeding) to her place while we went to the funeral home to pick out a casket and make other plans, and my cousin's wife babysat the smallest children who were too young to sit through the funeral. I can't do everything, but I can do something - first step is to find out what they need. Talk, approach, lose the fear. We need each other.

Anti marriage

Watching reality TV tonight we came across 2 similar, typical stories. They go like this:
1. Guy and girl are attracted to each other.
2. They more in together.
3. She wants to get married.
4. He doesn't.
5. He gets his way.
6. She doesn't.
7. It remains an area of contention for years.

I am glad to have a man who, by his actions, told me I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I will make a legal and spiritually binding commitment to demonstrate this to you.

I cant' imagine living with a guy, being sexually involved with someone, who so easily dismisses that desire for a woman to be cherished, upheld, honored.

And what of guys? Why is it that so many of them do not want to get married? What is the fear?

What I distrust in the church

Talking to hubby the other day about things in church that set off the little red warning lights. Talking universal church here, or the local ones within, not necessarily my church although it has not been immune to the flashing signals. It's usually a case of overemphasis on some area, and that in turn seems to underemphasize something else. I was thinking about it so much I neeeded to form a list just to get it out of my head.

1. Over emphasis on miraculous, under emphasis on mundane.
I distrust a need for miracles, a constant searching for them. Yes, miracles are in the Bible, but there seem to have been pretty darn few of them since those days. Is it really because we need to push more into God until they start pouring out again, or do we need to look for God's working in other, more everyday, ways? I suspect that constantly searching and yearning for miracles causes us to miss out on where God is working right here, right now, or where we could be bringing his kingdom to earth in very real and practical ways.

2. Over emphasis on what God will do for us, under emphasis on what we can do as God’s followers.
Definitely goes along with the miraculous. "More love, more power, more of you in my life." How about "More of me being willing to give up my own selfishness"? There's a sense that we're just waiting for God to do some kind of magic before we'll actually do something of worth for him. Until then, we'll worship and pray for miracles.

3. Over emphasis on the future, under emphasis on the present.
Revival's coming. God's going to really pour out himself on the next generation. Jesus will come and set everything right. There may be some truth in all of these. But an overemphasis on what is to come can lead to missing out on what is here and now, how God's kingdom can more fully come in the next 2 minutes, not just when something big happens (after we wait and pray) or when Jesus returns (if?).

4. Over emphasis on the unseen/spiritual, under emphasis on what is plainly before us/practical
Again, related to all of the above. There seem to be a lot of people who are more worried about "principalities" that they cannot see (and have really questionable theology around, IMO) than they have concern over the very real widows and orphans around us.

5. Disconnect with reality
I have heard and read teaching on healing, for example, where believers are supposed to claim to be healed because they really are healed once they pray for it but our physical reality has to come into line with the spiritual (see #4). I hope I don't need to point out how screwed up that has made a lot of people. Denial of what is plainly evident doesn't bring us closer to God, for he is a God of truth (reality).

6. Lack of critical thinking
I heard a pastor once talk about how his daughter refused to say hi to a hairdresser and told her dad she was shy. He spanked her, made her say hello, and then formed this all into a great spiritual lesson of how the devil speaks lies to us (because where does a 4 year old get the idea that she is shy?) and how we need to come against them. he didn't seem able to come up with any explanation other than "It's the devil." On another ocassion his wife dismissed knowledge of children's development by saying, "I don't pay any attention to that stuff, I just do what the Bible says." 'Nuf said.

7. An inappropriate certainty
Certainty about demons and other unseen things, certainty about when Christ is coming back (soon), certainty about what God is speaking (and yet seems to say totally contradictory things to different people). Certainty about what is not blatantly evident seems to reveal more of #6.

trip back part 4 - people

Final installment - the best part about going back is connecting with people. One of the best things that happened was when I phoned up the farm's new owners to arrange a time to pick up the rest of my parents' stuff, and Nichole, the wife, ended up inviting us over for a play date. This picture is of her three kids (2 girls ages 6 and 4 and a boy aged 2) playing with my kids (2 girls ages 6 and 4 and a boy aged 2 - almost seems too coincidental except that she's pregnant and I am most decidedly not).














We got to know each other well over the weekend, and I would feel totally comfortable calling them up for another playdate or coffee when I am out again. I would have been at peace selling the farm to total strangers - the fact that they have become friends is such a bonus. And I can't wait to see how they restore the house.

And as always, my sister, my BIL, and my nieces and nephew bring an added measure of joy when they come. Their kids are 12, 10 and 8, and are very responsible and enjoy playing with our kids (or at least they're very good at keeping up appearances). Sharon said on the drive her kids were concerned about how to respond if my kids created a picture and asked them what they thought - they didn't want to say it's good (cause that would be lying) but they didn't want to hurt their feelings. Integrity and caring. A lot of that in our family.

I also saw a cousin or two and some aunts and uncles. Aging must be very hard to live with sometimes, when it involves pain, which is true for many of them, and dementia, which is true for one. But they are as feisty as ever, and I got my earful of how homeschooling is a terrible idea, and that all the women at church dress like hookers. We scored big points for coming around, because name-of-bad-cousin-deleted never comes around when they visit their parents. Got to remember to make the effort more, not because I don't want to get in the bad books but because people DO appreciate the effort to connect, and I too readily forget that.