On a friend's blog she wrote about her decision not to go trick or treating. That made me reflect on my own entry below. When I look back on it, to me I sound judgemental towards people who make the decision not to participate, and for that I want to apologize in case I offended anyone. Scripture is clear that if you can't take part in something with a clear conscience, you shouldn't take part in it.

I am still taking my kids tonight, though. I think that the love that community shows for kids tonight is something that is good and wonderful. Halloween is one of the only times of the year I see strangers talking and laughing together. It can serve to build relationships. When I teach my children that make-believe is make-believe, I believe we all can participate in a way that can even glorify God in how we interact.

journeying

Still trying to feel out what's next for us as far as church goes.

We think it's a house church. When we were part of a house church before it was the best times of church for us bar none. Trickier with kids, but I'm starting to believe that children's programs aren't nearly as essential as I once thought they were. It's about relationship, not teaching, not programs. We will do more for our children's lives by being part of something where relationship is highly valued and sought than by exposing them to well-oiled children's ministries where they only interact with other kids (Hold on to Your Kids did a lot for my thinking in this regard).

We also think it's something new. Different people have suggested house churches they know about. However, every time they do there is something inside me that says no - this is supposed to be new. I told Rob that one day and he said he has been feeling the same way. That doesn't mean we, by ourselves, are going to plant a church. It means we hope to find other like-minded people who want to group together and start something together with input from everyone and less of an emphasis on who's in charge.

Values that are important to us, and I hope would be important to the church, are:
1. Relationship and community
2. Reality
3. Celebration

happy birthday to me

My family gave me a Giselle's gift certificate.
Yes! Pampering, here I come (and for once in my existence that does not refer to diapers).

It works! It really works!

Today when I said it was time to go home after playing in the school yard, Taryn said, "Okay," and came with me.

Let me repeat that: Today when I said it was time to go home after playing in the school yard, Taryn said, "Okay," and CAME WITH ME. NOT A FUSS TO BE HAD.

This was not a typical scene for the Daly household even last month. I have so often felt frustrated and helpless to affect my children's behaviour. I tried to rely on positive reinforcements and consequences to get the right messages across.

I have tried attachment parenting now for a few weeks and I am sold. My children respond to me because I am responding to them. I am learning how to really love and care for them instead of focusing on their behaviour. I am finally, truly getting it.

This hits me at so many levels - intellectually (which is the usual pattern) emotionally (rarer) and spiritually (almost unheard of). I can understand cognitively what is going on in their little minds and hearts. But more than that, I am acting out of a place of feeling, which is something I usually suppress quite well. And spiritually there is this sense of journey, of how what I am learning from so many places is all part of a whole which God's hand is on.

I went to hear an author at McNally Robinson tonight: Mary Gordon, who wrote Roots of Empathy and founded the program by that name that runs in many Manitoba schools. She told a story about a student in this program. I'd heard the story before. But I cried. Let me repeat that: I CRIED. It's not that I'm incapable of crying - I do that lots, but usually in response to my own pain. Other people's experiences don't provoke tears as readily. I've learned to be very very guarded, and even when I've wanted to let down barriers I have felt like somewhere I walled myself in. Even as I write this, a part of me is saying, Jude, this is a moment of silly sentimentality that has no meaning in the whole of your life. In a couple of days you'll just be your usual steady self. And maybe that part of me is right. But at this moment, it feels really right to feel.

Feelings - Taryn had to see her baby pictures tonight to draw herself for her homework. Which meant Ashlin had to look at all her pictures, too. And there he is, my dad, holding his baby grandaughters, playing in the part, napping with one of them on his lap. They will not remember him. They will never know him. It is so sad, so bloody, horribly sad that he had to go.

Time to get my Con-Con to bed. But before I do, just want to say thanks to you, my friends, who have blogged and called in the last while. This place I'm in feels kind of weird and unsteady and it helps to hear that what I think and feel resonates.

Last straw

I am sick and tired of going to our local playground and hearing *&$^#%$ coming from the wading pool where skateboarders jump the fence and use it as their own private park. I usually ask them to stop the foul language (although I shouldn't even have to ask). Sometimes they do. Often they do not. So i called whatever city department, who told me it was a police matter and tried to lose me quickly. I pressed on - it's their property and I think they have a certain responsibility to ensure it is used properly. She said something about it being locked to which I responded that the gate was wide open. So she said I could request that a lock be put on, and I also pointed out that the fence could be much taller than 4 feet, they could put up a sign indicating that skaters are not allowed. She said that if they are there, they are tresspassing. Fine. I called the police. Hopefully they send someone before all the little darlings go home for din-din. I intend to do this every time I see skaters there. I wouldn't care at all if they minded their mouths, but they are obviously unwilling to do that, so home they should go.

I am tired of hearing so much swearing everywhere I go. I've quite riding the bus except when absolutely necessary because I don't want to have to listen to that. What is it with people and common decency?

Church is for extroverts

That is my realization from a few days ago, the result of weeks of processing. This is why most churches don't seem to work for me. Church is for extroverts.

I speak of Myers-Briggs' extrovert/introvert scale here. I am an introvert. That doesn't mean I'm shy or antisocial or want to be alone all the time. It means I re-energize by being alone. I enjoy people, but too much time with people without time to myself makes it hard for me to function emotionally.

Church (North American generalizations - I'm not speaking of the universal church nor of any particular congregation) is for extroverts. It's a constant stream of activities and events that people are encouraged to take part in, many of them in large crowds. While some voice is given to community and relationship, it is often something that is presumed to happen on the side. At Sunday services, a quick hi before going to pick up your kids. At house group, a short discussion during snack after all the "real stuff" (worship, teaching, sharing - but too often not actual discussion) of the group is over.

I hear a lot of challenges about how Christians use their time - TV bad, attendance at worship events/intercession meetings/ministry conferences/etc. etc. good. And that is probably great - if you're an extrovert. Because I imagine that if you attend enough of these events, even if there is little face to face time at each you might get enough all together to suffice relationally. Plus you re-energize by being with people, so having people at your home over and above that is probably no problem.

I question this concept of more is better. I find more to be draining. The little relationship I get at various events is not enough to satisfy my need for community but I do not have the emotional energy to keep going and attending to get a drop here and a dribble there, plus constant things to do with people wipes me out of any energy to pursue relationship beyond that.

I want to belong to a place that doesn't equate the Christian life with attendance - even if the attendance is at meetings and events that are good. I want a church where the encouragement is to be out of the church, in the world, relating. I don't think we understand the importance of relationship, of attachment, of community. At least, I don't see time devoted to it as much as time is devoted to teaching, worship and prayer - generally not face to face activities. I am not minimizing the importance of these things, but if it comes at the expense of relationship, it is an overemphasis. Not everyone can fit in to the mold of just do more and more and more until your need for community is met. Some of us need community to be intense and intentional.

I also know I do not want to have to leave my kids behind to pursue relationship. I don't think I should have to have weekly babysitting to be a part of a church. I want to be in church as a family. I think my children's relationships with other adults in the church will be far more important to their Christian growth than times of teaching where kids are divided into groups and made to relate to their own age range. Again, I am not minimizing the value that can happen for kids in kids-only events or adults in adults-only events. But I think we have lost some of the ability to relate intergenerationally, and that those relationships are key to our functioning as a church. Integration rather than separation is a value I want to pursue.

This is the heart of what I want to find and create: a place where community is central, relationship is intentional, where people find the strength to pursue God, not through more church events but in their lives, in the world, where families are supported as wholes and not parts.

Christmas is coming

I'm not actually ready for Halloween yet. If that offends you:

Just kidding. We really don't let our kids celebrate such an evil thing. HA HA.

You can stop reading now, the rest will just bore you.

If that doesn't offend you: yes, we let our kids dress up and go trick or treating and they have to share all their chocolate with me. Fantasy is fantasy. What's next - censoring Narnia?

Anywho - even though I'm not caught up on other things in life, I bought my first Christmas gift today. Online. These for the girls. Cute, eh?
My goal is to set foot in stores as little as possible. Catalogues rule!

This is going to take some getting used to. Being in charge of my own time rather than being on the clock, that is. I've been focused for so long on getting in my 7.25 hours each day. This morning I found myself constantly thinking, "Oh, I gotta get back to work" if I stopped to interact with the kids or get breakfast. And then I realized, "I don't gotta do anything" because I am in charge of my own time (and thus I can blog whenever I want).

I prayed that I would start to get other contracts, too, as I want to spread myself around and not have to depend on just one source for work. Friday another contract worker that I have worked with called me to say she got a call about an evaluation that she does not have time to do, and would I be interested. It's not in the bag yet but it looks hopeful.

I am glad I was on casual for awhile because:
a) it gave me enough hours to get EI should I lose the HCM contract (they seem to love me there but there are nasty little things called budgets, too)
b) I developed some discipline in organizing the balance between family and work.

So I will get back to work now, but I gotta tell you...I love to putter.

church

Rob and I have done some talking/dreaming about what church could be for us. Really important to say that - for us. I don't feel like there is a right way and a wrong way to do church (outside of the obvious - sexual sacraments are right out, for example). I think that we have a lot of unique personalities because we are supposed to reflect different parts of God's nature. I think different people being drawn to different formats is completely appropriate. Unity in diversity.

I had a great conversation with someone who told me her vision for a church. And it was very different from mine. Almost opposite in many ways. I don't find her vision wrong or distorted. I think that is one reason why there are so many church splits: people have different visions and we somehow get the idea that a good fit for us must be how every church should operate. Instead of seeing a different vision as an opportunity (for a church plant, perhaps) we see it as a threat to our pet way of doing things. It feels good to be able to look at WCV and think, I care about these people, I appreciate where they are going, but I don't fit. In the past I have departed churches with feelings of superiority or anger. None of that this time. Different is good.

But I feel lost. I was raised in church. I have always identified myself with some kind of body, even if I felt like I was a square peg in a round hole. I don't like this place of not truly being anywhere.

But maybe this time is good, maybe it's for a reason. I know in the void I have allowed myself to think, to dream. I read a lot of books lately that challenge the usual ways of doing things. Parenting differently, working differently, eating differently. I didn't even realize there was a theme going through them until yesterday. But that has me thinking about doing church differently and starting to question my assumptions about what must be.

choices and influence

As a family we've really been trying to change our eating habits. We were doing pretty good, but exposure to a lot of different media about food convinced us we could do better. Who needs constant hormones, antibiotics and chemicals, after all?

It is so hard. Probably 90% or more of what is sold in the average supermarket is really not that good for us. But we are so used to eating that way - we've done it without thinking about it for so long.

Today I was thinking about how major problems, such as kids' obesity, is always thrown back on the parents. Sure major corporations spend billions of dollars trying to get you and your family to eat junk, watch TV and play video games. But just resist it! Have will power!

I'm not by any means abdicating parental responsibility. But it seems to me that there is something that is overlooked. We are a part of a society. We belong to a culture. Human beings are social creatures. To live in a moral and healthy way these days is to constantly be different than the majority of the population. That's not only hard, it is exhausting. In the past, society/culture has helped shaped good choices by promoting good norms. When 90% of your choices are good ones and only 10% are wrong or unhealthy, when those around you are supportive of good options, it's easier to make those choices.

Food corporations deny responsibility for obesity and other health issues. Manufacturers of violent video games and music glorifying death and destruction abslove themselves of blame for the violence we see around us. It's all in the choice of the individual, they say. But individuals are social. We are meant to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. When the individual is expected to constantly wade against a deluge that's going the opposite direction, it is ridiculous to think that many will succeed. We are meant to belong, not to be independent. The glorification of the independent individual is based on an impossibility.

There is a place to hold people accountable for their influence. There is a place to ask not only what is the individual's responsibility, but what is society's responsibility to the individual. Unless we address influence and not just ultimate choice, we will continue, as a society, to self-destruct.

AH HA moment

Ashlin was truly difficult this morning. She whined and demanded ridiculous things.

I was ANNOYED!

Then I started to think through this in attachment terms. What she wanted was not the issue. She wanted connection, and the path she was going for was getting me to do things for her. She could not reason that the things were ridiculous, she was just following her inclination to attach. My no to her did not mean "No I won't cut your pancake into yet more tiny pieces," or "No, I won't wipe you after you've already wiped yourself." In her little mind it meant, "No, I won't connect with you."

So what's a few thousand pancake pieces, really?

'nother book

I just finished reading "Joy at Work" by Dennis Bakke. Bakke is a Christian but is writing to everybody - he is honest about his faith but allows for people to not hold the same ideas but still appreciate his ideas about work.

I love his ideas. Decentralized decision making: rather than 95% of decisions being made by management, 99% are made by the ones closest to the problem/area. As few managers as possible. Employees given the right to spend and implement ideas, as long as they seek an advice process. All information is shared with employees, and all employees are allowed to speak for the company. Everyone gets a salary. Union members negotiate their contracts with union leaders.

And disconnection of the motive for doing this from profit. Do this because it's right, not because it will help your company make more money. You probably will make more money, but that's not the reason to do this.

It is so refreshing. I work in a bureacratic world and as much as I enjoy what I do, some of the rules (be they written or the ones no one writes down but you're just supposed to know) drive me insane. There are so many layers, and so little ability to act with autonomy.

These are radical ideas. The board of his company, though, tended to ignore the disconnection above and really, really liked the values when stock prices were going up and quickly wanted to return to hierarchy when the stock prices fell (even though the two had nothing to do with each other).

I wish my area of work was more this way, but I have no power to make it so. Where I do have power is in my home. How often do I let my children make their own decisions, and how often do I override them even though it's not a life/health/safety/moral issue?

And how much do we in the church (universal) share power and authority, and how much is centralized at the staff/elder level?

The author repeatedly makes the point that when adults are not allowed to make decisions that affect their own work, we are treating them like children. He also pointed out that the average American worker has about the same level of control over work as workers did in the former Soviet Union. Land of the Free it is not, not when it comes to economics.

Oh that we could get off this economics is king bandwagon and actually build a society where people matter for more than what they produce.

News

My Casual position ends on Friday!!!!

(But that's okay because i start a contract on Monday)

Change a coming

Change is really hard for me. I tend to hold onto things for a long time, not wanting to let go even when it's not working. I find it hard to know the difference between perseverance and banging my head against a wall.

But I've had a lot of clues and I think it's finally starting to form a picture. I think we are going to leave WCV. The problem is, I don't know where we are going to.

(Singing softly to self)
I got...no comments
No comments
Don't know where everybody's gone to
Don't know what just went wrong...

(Kind of a sad country feel)

book's done

It was a great read. Now to integrate to life.

Pro and con - it is not prescriptive. It is not a book that says, when your child does this, then do that. Good because it allows for differences between children and families, trusting parents to find what works for them. Con- it is harder to think than to not.

But, as I said, I'm trying it. I'm trying to forge stronger attachments and discipline from an attachment perspective. Interestingly enough, this is the exact opposite approach that I got from another book that I probably raved about on this very blog: 1-2-3 Magic. Neufeld urges parents to use connection (be with your child) rather than separation (time-out) to discipline. His argument as to why makes sense, but it is a switch, especially since Rob and I had 1-2-3 downpat and Rob has not read this book, so we're really parenting two different ways right now.

So far: this feels right. I like how the girls are responding when I approach things from an attachment perspective. And as much as it is harder to think through rather than a 1-2-3 reaction, I do find that their behaviour makes sense when I view it through the attachment lens. I more often see what they need in order to start behaving as I want them to. Big changes: I am no longer pushing my children to be independent but inviting dependence and the focus is more on our relationship than their behaviour.They seem happier and I feel closer to them.