Church is for extroverts

That is my realization from a few days ago, the result of weeks of processing. This is why most churches don't seem to work for me. Church is for extroverts.

I speak of Myers-Briggs' extrovert/introvert scale here. I am an introvert. That doesn't mean I'm shy or antisocial or want to be alone all the time. It means I re-energize by being alone. I enjoy people, but too much time with people without time to myself makes it hard for me to function emotionally.

Church (North American generalizations - I'm not speaking of the universal church nor of any particular congregation) is for extroverts. It's a constant stream of activities and events that people are encouraged to take part in, many of them in large crowds. While some voice is given to community and relationship, it is often something that is presumed to happen on the side. At Sunday services, a quick hi before going to pick up your kids. At house group, a short discussion during snack after all the "real stuff" (worship, teaching, sharing - but too often not actual discussion) of the group is over.

I hear a lot of challenges about how Christians use their time - TV bad, attendance at worship events/intercession meetings/ministry conferences/etc. etc. good. And that is probably great - if you're an extrovert. Because I imagine that if you attend enough of these events, even if there is little face to face time at each you might get enough all together to suffice relationally. Plus you re-energize by being with people, so having people at your home over and above that is probably no problem.

I question this concept of more is better. I find more to be draining. The little relationship I get at various events is not enough to satisfy my need for community but I do not have the emotional energy to keep going and attending to get a drop here and a dribble there, plus constant things to do with people wipes me out of any energy to pursue relationship beyond that.

I want to belong to a place that doesn't equate the Christian life with attendance - even if the attendance is at meetings and events that are good. I want a church where the encouragement is to be out of the church, in the world, relating. I don't think we understand the importance of relationship, of attachment, of community. At least, I don't see time devoted to it as much as time is devoted to teaching, worship and prayer - generally not face to face activities. I am not minimizing the importance of these things, but if it comes at the expense of relationship, it is an overemphasis. Not everyone can fit in to the mold of just do more and more and more until your need for community is met. Some of us need community to be intense and intentional.

I also know I do not want to have to leave my kids behind to pursue relationship. I don't think I should have to have weekly babysitting to be a part of a church. I want to be in church as a family. I think my children's relationships with other adults in the church will be far more important to their Christian growth than times of teaching where kids are divided into groups and made to relate to their own age range. Again, I am not minimizing the value that can happen for kids in kids-only events or adults in adults-only events. But I think we have lost some of the ability to relate intergenerationally, and that those relationships are key to our functioning as a church. Integration rather than separation is a value I want to pursue.

This is the heart of what I want to find and create: a place where community is central, relationship is intentional, where people find the strength to pursue God, not through more church events but in their lives, in the world, where families are supported as wholes and not parts.