Difficult week

I am emotionally wasted. It is difficult to make decisions for someone who can't make decisions but thinks she can. My mom can only hold one variable in her mind at a time. Take the phone. She was always complaining about the phone, that it was ringing and we were on it. The facts that we were doing this to help her and that taking care of business after a death just are not on the radar. Somehow we should be able to help her without the phone actually ringing and without talking to anyone.

Same with long distance. She fretted because she had a larger than usual long distance bill because of everything around dad's death. So every time I talked it was, "Are you calling long distance? How long were you on? I don't want you making any long distance calls, I had a big phone bill." Sure, I left my family, I pined for them, I needed to help her with business by long distance. None of that registered. She could only process a phone bill.

Then two people made the horrible mistake of telling her to take things slow. Then every time we pressed her for a necessary decision: "**** and **** told me to take things slow and this is not slow! I can't do this all at once" But we can't come out here every other week. Some things have to be done, now.

My mom lives by these rules:
1. The world must revolve around her.
2. She is always right.
3. Everyone else must always think she is right.
4. Everyone else must do what she thinks they should do.
5. If someone disagrees with her, that person is mean and she is being persecuted.

We have expressed that it has cost us a lot of wages to come out and help her (I have no bereavement leave, vacation, anything.) The executor advised her to share her resources (she's fairly well-off) in light of this - we're helping her, after all - and she agreed. But if I dared disagree with her, "If you want me to give you that $*, you'd better respect me." I have respected her. Of any time in my life I've never been more respectful of her. But I violated the rules and so I must be punished.

And the bizarreness. She received a lot of food from people. She had someone's tupperware container that was empty and was fretting about it being in her house and she didn't want it taking up space (our whole house could fit in her great room, she has tons of space). Then she said, "I guess I'll just take it to the post office and leave it there for her."
Me (staring at her incredulously): "You can't take someone's personal property and leave it in a public place.
Her: Well, what am I supposed to do with it, then?
Me: Well, you could take a drive, return it and have a nice coffee and a visit.
Her: I don't like to drive in the evening. You know that! You know that, Judi!

No I don't know that. Not to mention I did not say it had to be in the evening.

It's not the grief process. She's always been this way, but perhaps worse as time goes on. I think it was especially bad because she usually picked on Dad and now he's not here to pick on so we took up the slack. I wonder who her next victim will be.

Yes, slightly aggravated tonight. It is hard to have a mom who thinks of no one but herself. Moms are supposed to be somewhat kind and giving. She has very little of that in her at the best of times. Now it's even worse. No acknowledgement that she's not the only one who is grieving. I was processing some of it this morning. She must have been somewhat giving when I was young. Babies have to be taken care of to survive. But even then, one can go through the motions without the heart. And whether it was the HS or just me, I don't know, but I made a connection. I've always felt like I don't matter. Everyone but me matters. And I think I know where the root of that comes from. I didn't matter then, I don't matter now. I am simply a path or an obstacle to her own fulfillment.

I am so glad to be home.