Churching
I was just reading a couple of blogs by people who have left the institutional church and reflecting that it was about a year ago that I left, only to find myself back. But as best as I can figure out, it is where God wants me, for now. I still have the inner fight with in me, the I want to be here/I don't want to be here conflict. I want to be there for my kids who love it. I want to be there to connect with many people that I love and respect and want to know better. I don't want to be there because I don't feel I am a part of the whole. And I still carry hurts.
The best way to deal with it has been to just focus on my children. I chose to be volunteer in Conor's class, and I actually had a blast when I did story time for 3 weeks. 2s and 3s is such a fun age when their pants aren't full of poo. And often I have good conversations with other parents and workers. Even when I'm not "on" I usually stay in Conor's class because he won't last long without me and I don't really want to be downstairs in the service, anyhow.
The toughest part is before kids' church starts and I have to be downstairs. Well, I guess I could arrive right before kids' church but the girls do love the worship time. I don't. To me worship represents rejection, it says "you're not good enough to be a part of this." Worship teams seem to be exclusive clubs that I never have the right credentials to join. I can't even figure out what the credentials are.
The best way to deal with it has been to just focus on my children. I chose to be volunteer in Conor's class, and I actually had a blast when I did story time for 3 weeks. 2s and 3s is such a fun age when their pants aren't full of poo. And often I have good conversations with other parents and workers. Even when I'm not "on" I usually stay in Conor's class because he won't last long without me and I don't really want to be downstairs in the service, anyhow.
The toughest part is before kids' church starts and I have to be downstairs. Well, I guess I could arrive right before kids' church but the girls do love the worship time. I don't. To me worship represents rejection, it says "you're not good enough to be a part of this." Worship teams seem to be exclusive clubs that I never have the right credentials to join. I can't even figure out what the credentials are.
posted by Jude | 4:04 PM
2 Comments:
Ah yes, that is why we finally left that church as well. Sadly, this was the same story we heard from many people who were once a part of that church.
There was an increasingly small circle that got to 'do the stuff', and while nobody ever explained what criteria we were being judged and found wanting by, it was clear that there WAS some "mystery checklist" being used.
But I definitely understand and applaud you putting your children's spiritual desires high on the priority list! I wish more "detoxers" had the same attitude.
Robbymac, thank you, thank you, thank you for your comment. When I know I'm not the only one who is thinking or feeling something it is easier to figure out if it is a real issue or just something that is coming out of my own brokenness.
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