God and me - the ongoing saga

I'm feeling euaaheehg. I'm lying in bed. I will do some work today. From bed. I think I will be sick this week. I'm just not quite there yet.

I've had some interesting (to me) thoughts on faith matters lately. Might quell any fears of those who thought I was going agnostic (or dash the hopes of, depending on perspective).

First of all, I was talking to a friend who talked about his very strong belief in Jesus and Christianity. His certainty stems from his interest in philosophy. To him, it is the only thing that makes sense. He sounds very much like what Cindy has been writing about her readings of Schaeffer. This is all meaningless to me. I hate philosophy. I love research, using scientific methods to discern what is plausible, likely and true. I imagine it is easier to figure out God stuff through philosophy than research. After all, I can't see, hear, touch, taste or smell God.

However I can see, hear, touch, taste and smell God's influence. I started thinking about really examining God in that sense - qualitative research. Acting as a field observer, deliberately watching and recording. Starting with prayer. I pray for things. Do I see these things happening? And how likely are they to come about without divine intervention?

Another friend challenged how I was thinking about terrible things that have happened to other people and using those things to question God. It's up to the people who experience those things to figure out how they mesh with what they believe (or know) of God, not me. And I think she's right. I've been resisting letting other people's positive experiences of God (or what they believe to be God) dictate my thinking, but I've allowed other's negative experiences to have too much of a controlling influence. Hypocritical of me.

Then there's the matter of trust. I believe in God, I haven't been sure if I can trust him. But how can I not trust God. He created everything. He holds life itself. Everything I was, am and will be rests in who he is. How can I not trust someone with total control, as if not trusting could change anything? Not trusting can only hurt me, it can't help me.

Erikson wrote about the first stage of life being one to develop trust, and one of the basic things an infant needs is to know what is going to happen. I cry, Mommy and Daddy repsond. I smile, they smile. God has created a predictability to our lives, the days, the seasons. Yes, there is crisis and chaos, but that is not the basic rhythm of life, but it's exception. That overall sense of being able to know what will go on is present, and to me, that speaks of trustworthiness.