Decisions

My mother's visit has sparked a lot of thinking and conversations in the last few days. Especially interesting are the talks with my sister. She is a nurse and has done quite a bit of work in nursing homes, with psych patients and in home care. My training is of course, social work (but I have limited knowledge of this area of social work). The challenge for us has been to try to view our Mother through our professional eyes. As daughters, we've grown up with our Mom's eccentricities and found them frustrating and embarrasing. To cope, we dismissed and ignored. I am very used to just writing off what Mom says and does, especially since finding out about Fragile X ("It's genetic, she can't help it").

Now that she's on her own though, we have decisions to make, because she cannot make them. I phoned an old family friend who is ED of a faith-based organization of senior citizens homes and nursing homes. He was on his cell and couldn't talk privately, suggested I call back this week and before then think about what Mom needs and what we want for her. Thus I've been thinking about what I will tell him.

Sharon and I talked this morning. She started using words like paranoid, delusional, out of touch with reality. At first this seemed odd to me and I queried her on the stories behind those words. She told me the incidences, some I knew already, some I didn't. What struck me is that I'm not sure I ever have quite realized what is going on. Sharon asked how we would see her, describe her, if we didn't know her, if she was a client. And those words fit Mom exactly, along with many others.

Ignoring all of this, dismissing it and moving away worked quite well while Dad was alive. He took care of it all. He made decisions and kept things going. But now we have to face facts. She cannot do quite simple tasks. She cannot make quite simple decisions. She is overwhelmed with just the few things that we cannot take on from a distance. She cannot care for a home and it makes no sense for her to be a homeowner. As wonderful as relatives and church members have been, her needs are far too great to be served on a voluntary, occasional basis. We are hearing signs that supporters are burning out.

I need to stop ignoring and dismissing. I don't know how I'll do it, but somehow I have to get past the emotional stuff and just see my mother as a client. She doesn't have the mental capacity to make all the decisions that are in her best interests. We need to take over much more than we have.