Last day

I am done my work. I feel a bit like I did immediately after giving birth - really relieved and not quite believing it's over.

The highlights of my last day were my supervisor nit-picking over a time sheet entry, telling me I may not get paid for my sick day and telling me I can't have contact with clients after I leave because it's against accepted professional standards, which is BS because I've read them. Then yet more employees told me, after I let them know I was leaving, that they are frustrated with the organization and our mutual supervisor for much the same reasons I am.

I realized a few days ago that I give people way too much credit sometimes. I expect people to think rationally and to behave with kindness and morals. I especially expect that of other Christians and other social workers (the people who treated me the most horribly resided in both categories). When I don't experience that, often my first reaction is to question myself, thinking maybe there is something I have to do differently, because after all, they must be good people with good intentions. It also means that I feel incomplete when these people, whom I have credited with sense and ethics, do not affirm me. I need to let their behaviour define who they are in my mind, rather than who I'd like to believe they are, so I do not end up needing something from them, so I do not end up giving them power to define me. A jerk is a jerk is a jerk.

My sister was talking to me about a book she read, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. The author addresses the fact that Christians in general are not emotionally healthier than the general public. She also enlightened me with her philosophy of stay low, don't try to change much or share ideas until in a place where one can act on them. To me that seems wise, and sad. Then I remembered that I hadn't actually tried to change anything significant or that was outside my jurisdiction. I simply talked with people about issues they raised. That was enough for a person whose supervision philosophy heavily includes the phrase, "Step on them" and an organization that seems to want to turn a blind eye to the incredibly high turnover. It's not the salary, baby, it's the lack of dignity.