If you want a friend, be a friend
Ashlin just asked me for her Snoopy toys. I reminded her that they are actually my Snoopy toys, but that I share them with her (Yes, I'm possessive about my Peanuts paraphenalia). At least I've learned to share. All the other aspects of friendship I'm not so sure about. I often feel that, at 35 years of age, I would have gotten this friend-thing down by now. But I still feel like I'm rotten at making friends and rotten at keeping friends. I have trouble reading cues. Who is doing the just-being-nice-and-saying-we'll-have-to-get-together-sometime and who really wants to get together? When is a get-together a one-time only thing and when is it a chance for something more? Why do I think "Hey, I should call _______ and make a play-date/do something" and then think of a dozen reasons to talk myself out of it? How do I know when someone is just being nice or pursuing friendship?
Maybe I should just take more chances but I have a huge aversion to being tolerated. I would sooner someone tell me off than tolerate me. Either like me or hate me, but don't just put up with me, especially if it's the "Christian" thing to do.
There are about 4 people (excluding Rob) in Winnipeg that I've gotten past the above shtuff and I feel confident about our friendship. They are blessings. With them, though, I often don't feel like I am a good-enough friend. I'm not thoughtful enough, I don't initiate times together enough, I forget stuff that they've told me. Maybe I should just ask - how can I be a better friend? Maybe I'm good enough?
Oooh - vulnerable post. Do I dare publish it? Who reads this, anyhow? Yep, I think I'll hit that button. Right now. Going to do it. Yes.
Maybe I should just take more chances but I have a huge aversion to being tolerated. I would sooner someone tell me off than tolerate me. Either like me or hate me, but don't just put up with me, especially if it's the "Christian" thing to do.
There are about 4 people (excluding Rob) in Winnipeg that I've gotten past the above shtuff and I feel confident about our friendship. They are blessings. With them, though, I often don't feel like I am a good-enough friend. I'm not thoughtful enough, I don't initiate times together enough, I forget stuff that they've told me. Maybe I should just ask - how can I be a better friend? Maybe I'm good enough?
Oooh - vulnerable post. Do I dare publish it? Who reads this, anyhow? Yep, I think I'll hit that button. Right now. Going to do it. Yes.
posted by Jude | 11:13 PM
7 Comments:
Judi,
I've struggled with similar thoughts and ideas.
Its a real "GOD HELP!!!"area of my life.
I think the root of some of my behaviour regarding other people was my past experiences of rejection...HOWEVER, my reactions to the past were part of the problem. EG. I am very guarded around new people because I've been hurt in the past and don't like being rejected. So, around new people I can be guarded and withdrawn so (unless they see past this) they may not approach me.
This has been a regular pattern with me. So I'm asking God to come and heal the root and change the pattern.
I'm posting anonymously.
But my name rhymes with America and it starts with an E!
Good enough? I hear your struggle, and I DO understand, but you, my dear, are one of the best friends I have EVER had. Wouldn't have made it through the last couple of weeks without you. You just need to stop over-analyzing. After all, what's the worst that could happen? (there's a leading question...)
I know I've shared this before, but at last year's retreat when we did the stone throwing thing, well, mine was sort of on this topic. I had to throw away the stone that was nicely white and fit perfectly in my hand. The one I kept (still in my jacket pocket) is multi-coloured and irregularly shaped. But it is beautiful. I was being challenged to let my colours out. And that involves vulnerability. And so I've been trying to do that - mostly on the breathe blog. So far I haven't had any responses I couldn't deal with. It's still risky, but really, what is there of value that doesn't carry some risk. What's the worst that could happen if you don't take it?
i wonder if having a family has something to do with your ability to connect and reciprocate? since i've had a family of my own, my close friend status has been very hard to maintain and build up. there are people who i think i'd really get along with and be good friends with but can't manage to invest the social capital (a "will phrase") as the same time as keeping my own life under some semblance of control. even old friends are hard to keep up with. i might blame my kids a little too much but it does take a lot more effort (for me at least). i try to give myself a break and pray about it too. i know that god thinks close friends are important and will give me a heads up when i ask for it (ex. this time/person/situation is going to work). on my own i can get pretty anxious and stressed out but there have been times where i knew that i was getting some input from god and things just seemed so easy. (is this all too theoretical and vague?)
Erica told me how to get in here--- Yeah!!
I wanted to comment on your friendship blurb as this is something that I've worked at in my life time. The best example of this is really in the life of Jesus that is recorded. He was open with people that the Father put in His way (like the woman at the well) but He DID have an inner circle of people where HE shared His heart and then others that He shared his ministry. He also had some that He allowed to minister to Him. The real prayer needs to go into who belongs in what category. To share your heart with the wrong people can cause great harm to yourself. Your inner self is a "Secret Garden" that will be desecrated by mobs of people but can be shared with those who will tread carefully. Other friends might be for sharing fun,or provoking thought, or work related, or ministry related. Then there are ones that want to help you or that you can help---these need to be handled with integrity as they can easliy turn into real "secret garden" friends in the future. I've always put a lot of prayer and asked for discernment in these areas--(especially after being run over by a few freight trains in my youth). If I feel like I'm missing out or my life feels off balance, I'll ask God for input and HE PROVIDES!! To expect all friendships to be equal or for me to put equal energy into everyone I know is unrealistic. I keep open to everyone and see what God opens up. Another thing is if I am "needy" and look to fiends rather than God--this puts a strain on things.
My thoughts, bev
Hey Judi,
I commend you for being so vulnerable in your latest blog. I've always considered you to be a very strong, well adjusted, sure of herself type of person. You have qualities that are very admirable. I don't understand friendship sometimes and I too have severe rejection issues but I look past them maybe too often. God will heal these issues for me and I believe that he will meet you where you need it most right now. Keep praying for wisdom when it comes to friends. I think the comments clearly show that this is a very close and personal issue to everyone. On a personal note, I've felt that we didn't click. It hurt a bit. I'm the type of person who wants everyone to like me and it hurts if I feel otherwise but with age you learn to cherish the friendships that you do have, pray for future close friendships to develop, and then not to worry about the ones that didn't quite fit.
There are so many fantastic people around but not enough time to make the investment in them all. I know of many that I've tried to connect with and never seem to. My "rejection" issue says, hmmm maybe they don't want to and this is their way of letting me down easy, but just to keep my sanity I will say to myself that life is busy and they may not have time. Denial . . . maybe.
I just read what I wrote and I meant to say friends not "fiends" but maybe fiends isn't a bad word if you choose the wrong friends (ha)
bev
I just read what I wrote and I meant to say friends not "fiends" but maybe fiends isn't a bad word if you choose the wrong friends (ha)
bev
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