Dreams and thoughts
I don't like some of the dreams that have followed Dad's death. There was one where I went to an agricultural conference with my mother, and while searching for her I pass a table and my dad is sitting there. I turn away, then realize I saw my dad, and when I turned back he wasn't there anymore. Other dreams have been very freaky and disturbing and I'm not even going to talk about them other than to say they can leave me feeling sad and vulnerable.
I've also been thinking about parallels in my life and that of my parents. For example, my mom and I, as well as my sister, have all given birth to two girls and one boy (my parent's firstborn, a son, died soon after birth which is why you don't hear me talking about a brother). My parents were married in the year they turned 27, and so was I. I had my daughters when I was age 31 and 33, the same ages that my Mom had me and my sister. I don't know exactly when my dad's mom died, but he was very close to the same age I am now when she did.
Meaningful? Probably not. But it gets me thinking. What if my life parallels his in other ways? What if I never even reach 70? I always took it for granted that my dad would live into his 90s like his father and grandfather. I always took it for granted that I would too. My certainty has crashed. Could I already be over half way through my own life?
A part of this reflection is good, becaue it's made me think about what I want for my own life, my own family. I want fun and I want love. I want to focus less on money and finances and more on what is truly valuable.
One of the things I really want in that light is a trailer. My dad had several trailers from the time that I was young and I have some good memories of our times camping (also some very crappy memories of anger and hostility between my parents, which also helps me remember that I want conflict to be handled with love in our family). I want to do that with my kids. I want us to travel as a family, see things, make memories. I hope it can happen for us.
I've also been thinking about parallels in my life and that of my parents. For example, my mom and I, as well as my sister, have all given birth to two girls and one boy (my parent's firstborn, a son, died soon after birth which is why you don't hear me talking about a brother). My parents were married in the year they turned 27, and so was I. I had my daughters when I was age 31 and 33, the same ages that my Mom had me and my sister. I don't know exactly when my dad's mom died, but he was very close to the same age I am now when she did.
Meaningful? Probably not. But it gets me thinking. What if my life parallels his in other ways? What if I never even reach 70? I always took it for granted that my dad would live into his 90s like his father and grandfather. I always took it for granted that I would too. My certainty has crashed. Could I already be over half way through my own life?
A part of this reflection is good, becaue it's made me think about what I want for my own life, my own family. I want fun and I want love. I want to focus less on money and finances and more on what is truly valuable.
One of the things I really want in that light is a trailer. My dad had several trailers from the time that I was young and I have some good memories of our times camping (also some very crappy memories of anger and hostility between my parents, which also helps me remember that I want conflict to be handled with love in our family). I want to do that with my kids. I want us to travel as a family, see things, make memories. I hope it can happen for us.
posted by Jude | 9:17 PM
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