reality

This reality stuff has it's pros and cons.

A pro - as I am more honest with God, I find our relationship growing. The other day I told him that verses that seem to imply that if you "aren't faithful" right to the end - well it's off to hell with you. I was left wondering - so if I am overcome by fear at some point, if I face tribulation, and in a moment of weakness say the wrong thing, I'm doomed? It made it hard to believe God is really for me. Underlying thoughts I never allowed to surface before.

So God replied - I think. He pointed out the differences between Peter and Judas. Peter was overcome by fear. Judas lost faith (if he ever had it). Peter made a sweeping declaration that Jesus was the Christ. He got scared and denied Jesus. But he loved Jesus, and when he saw him on the beach, Peter couldn't even wait to row back and just jumped into the water. They reconciled the incident because the underlying relationship was never gone.

Judas - who knows what he was thinking? I don't think he ever saw Jesus as the messiah, at least not the kind he wanted. He wasn't overcome by fear - he took the initiative to betray. In regret, he said "I've betrayed innocent blood," not, "I betrayed the son of God." And he remained isolated from Jesus, taking his own life rather than accepting Jesus' life offer.

I may at times be like Peter, but I am not a Judas.

Cons - it's sometimes hard to face reality. My dirty little secret? I've skipped church a lot in the last couple of months. I don't miss it much. I don't like not being there for my kids' sakes, but I don't regret it for my sake. There is a part of me that thinks, "Oh I should be there because I need community." Yet in dealing with going back and forth with kids do I get a sense of community? I experience that more on the phone and the net during the rest of the week. And I like the worship, and I like the speaking. But life doesn't seem too different whether I'm there or not. I don't like that.

I miss house group but house group does not fit in our lives right now. And I'm not sure we fit in a house group. Sometimes they can be as non-relational as a morning at church.

I'm not sure who all reads this and I don't want to offend anyone. But I know that this is a piece of reality to work through. I'm tired of going to church b/c it's what I've always done and I feel guilty if I don't. There's got to be more to it.